Toby Devens on social media and friends from the past

Toby Devens, author of Happy Any Day Now, offers some good advice for when old friends, former boyfriends and acquaintances come knocking on social media.

Toby: They're baaaack — the girl who made your life miserable in middle school, the co-worker you haven't seen in decades, the fiancé you ditched two months before the wedding — they're knocking at your virtual door wanting to pick up the pieces, apologize, finally tell you off, brag a bit, or just chat. They found you via social media, on genealogy tracers, through people searches, high school newsletters or classmates connecting sites. Or they simply Googled your name one midnight after too many vodka shots. As a character in my new novel, Happy Any Day Now, declares: "Leave it to me and my laptop. With enough time and money, I could turn up Jimmy Hoffa."

And for better or worse, if you're ever online, you're going to have to deal with these refugees from different times and places. So what happens when the past barges into the present to make magic, or mischief or both? And after "How ya doin'?" what next?

In my book, the protagonist Judith Soo Jin Raphael, a half-Korean, half-Jewish musician, is approaching her 50th birthday with a satisfying career, a fabulous Australian boyfriend, and an almost perfect life. Then the father, who abandoned her when Judith was 6, suddenly reappears wanting to start over. And the college boyfriend, who dumped her because she "wasn't good enough" for his pedigreed family, is now a big-time judge with a yen to reboot their crashed love affair. Hilarity, heartbreak and high adventure ensue as Judith tries to figure out what/whom to keep and what/whom to discard.

In non-fiction, attempts to revive faded friendships are the easiest to deal with. Online requests get confirmed, declined, or ignored. Once connected, an occasional "Adorable!" posted under photos of someone's kids or grandkids keeps the momentum going. With luck, though, you'll encounter people who inspire something deeper. In my case, a bunch of high school buddies — male and female — organized ourselves into a group we named the Time Travelers. Scattered around the country, we gather in our former Brooklyn neighborhood twice a year to visit old haunts and catch up in person. What began as a "Do you remember?" marathon has evolved into a caring e-mail and Skype support system firmly grounded in the present. When one of us was facing serious cancer treatment, Time Travelers from five states rallied to cheer her on at the start of chemotherapy.

Rediscovering family can be especially rewarding. I found a long lost relative by typing my last name into a genealogy website. And my half-Asian half-Jewish cousins' posts on a social-media site inspired the character of Judith Soo Jin Raphael in Happy Any Day Now.

But then there are the "toughies," old loves who aspire to rekindle dead embers. Fair warning: In the process, you can get warmed or you can get burned. Resurrecting an old romance is particularly seductive. You're not only reconnecting with the lover, you're reconnecting with your own lost youth. So, if you're considering this risky business, some caveats:

Take it slow and light and proceed at a measured pace. No booking a week in Provence for your first face-to-face reunion. No engagements after two months.

Keep expectations realistic and check out details. Your gorgeous first boyfriend may now sport a comb-over and a paunch, although he's a lot more savvy than he was in fifth-period history class. The sweet innocent girl you squired around at 15 could have four divorces in her history and a flourishing career as a pole dancer. An ex writes that he's separated. Which might only mean that he and his wife have a double sink in the master bath. And if these days your former girlfriend shares her bed with a fiercely protective Great Dane, you might want to know that.

Figure in geographical distances, ex-spouses, children, grandchildren, medical issues and rehab stays and some people schlep more baggage than Lady Gaga on tour. Resumed romances hardly resemble those of our youth when all options were open and obligations were few.

Still, life can offer wonderful surprises when the past collides with the present. Every day is a potential Christmas, and every post a gift. So put out the welcome mat and see what happens. You never know.

To find out more about Toby and her books, visit tobydevens.com.