Cole Gibsen on living (and writing) uncensored

Cole Gibsen, author of Life Unaware, shares her difficult and emotional road to being comfortable using curse words in her life and her writing.

Cole: My childhood was not an easy one. My stepdad was a cold man who didn't bother to hide his disgust toward children. At home, my brother and I faced rules that would make a drill sergeant proud. We were confined to the unfinished basement and not allowed in any of the living areas other than our bedrooms. We had assigned seats at mealtimes as well as a strictly enforced eating order. During the summer, my stepdad would go so far as to take appliance cords with him to work to ensure we stayed out of the "off-limits" rooms.

In this house where children were not only not to be seen as well as not heard, cussing was a severely punishable offense.

As an adult, my stepdad has been out of my life for nearly 18 years. Some of the scars he inflicted, however, remain. I remember sitting at the mall several years ago eating a sandwich at the food court. A group of teenage girls sat at the table next to me and began an animated discussion where every other word out of their mouths was an f-bomb.

As the cursing continued, my chest tightened and my pulse raced. I'd grown up so terrified of curse words, just hearing them spoken so freely put me on the verge of a panic attack. In the end I got up and left, throwing away my half-eaten lunch, my appetite long gone.

When I wrote my first draft of Life Unaware, there wasn't a single curse word in it. Not because I didn't want to offend, but because I had an irrational fear something bad would happen to me if I did. And I hated it. I knew I wasn't being authentic to the voice in my book. I wasn't being true to myself as a writer by letting fear hold me back.

So I wrote my first curse word. And then I had a panic attack. And another. In Life Unaware, my main character suffers from anxiety. The combination of detailing her panic attacks, as well as writing curse words, increased my own anxiety so much I began to panic anytime I left the house. As I continued writing, the panic attacks didn't wait for me to leave in order to be triggered. Before the book was finished I was suffering from three or more panic attacks a day. Some severe enough to send me to the emergency room.

A lot of writers joke about certain books driving them to need therapy. Writing Life Unaware did just that. I knew I needed help, so I contacted a therapist.

And thank goodness I did.

My therapist helped me to realize I could curse, both out loud and on paper, and nothing bad would happen to me. I was an adult. I was safe. And nobody could hurt me anymore. With her help, I was able to go back through and edit my book with the organic teenage voice I knew it was missing. Each curse word written was a tiny victory, each completed chapter a public invitation to my own personal therapy session.

At 35 years old, I finally felt comfortable enough in my own skin to curse out loud without flinching. I make it a point to cuss every day, and I enjoy it. It's a reminder to myself what I survived, and how much stronger I am.

I've seen some early reviews that mention Life Unaware has a good deal of cursing.

When I read those particular reviews and remember everything I've been through, I smile and think, Yes. Yes, it does.

About Life Unaware (courtesy of Entangled Teen):

Regan Flay has been talking about you.

Regan Flay is on the cusp of achieving her control-freak mother's "plan" for high school success—cheerleading, student council, the Honor Society—until her life gets turned horribly, horribly upside down. Every bitchy text. Every bitchy email. Every lie, manipulation, and insult she's ever said have been printed out and taped to all the lockers in school.

Now Regan has gone from popular princess to total pariah.

The only person who even speaks to her is her former best friend's hot but socially miscreant brother, Nolan Letner. Nolan thinks he knows what Regan's going through, but what nobody knows is that Regan isn't really Little Miss Perfect. In fact, she's barely holding it together under her mom's pressure. But the consequences of Regan's fall from grace are only just beginning. Once the chain reaction starts, no one will remain untouched...

Especially Regan Flay.

Find out more about Cole and her books at www.colegibsen.com.