How to manage expectations for your friendships

Do you have a BFF? If so, good for you — literally!

Research continues to show that one of the top factors in determining our well-being and longevity is social ties. And a 2015 study by Brigham Young University found that being socially disconnected can be as detrimental to our health as obesity, physical inactivity or smoking.

And yet, despite all our social media connections and digital interactions, experts say we’re lonelier than ever. According to the Pew Research Center, the average size of Americans’ core social networks has dropped by about one-third since 1985. What gives?

“Though we may know a lot of people, that doesn’t mean we feel we have meaningful connections,” says Shasta Nelson, author of Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends and Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness.

Nelson explains that creating deep friendships is both an art and a science — embedded with a formula for success. For her books, she tapped into her decade of experience as a trained pastor focused on building community. She also dug into research about trust and relationships, discovering three commonalities she feels are needed to build healthy friendships: positivity (Relationships should feel good, be enjoyable and provide more reward than pain. It takes five positive interactions to counterbalance a single negative one to maintain healthy relationships, Nelson says.); consistency (Relationships need regular interaction and time spent together to create a pattern of building memories.); and vulnerability (Relationships need vulnerable sharing to get to know each other’s stories, hearts and minds.).

Nelson dubs these factors the “friendship triangle” and says we need all three to create and sustain friendships.

“When we want to make new friends, pay attention to these three factors,” Nelson points out. At the base of the triangle is positivity (“I should smile to make this person feel good!”) along with consistency (“Let’s get together the first Saturday of every month.”) and vulnerability (“I’m really nervous about my upcoming job interview.”) But these are the exact same things we also need to deepen existing friendships.

Nelson says we can also use the friendship triangle as a diagnostic tool. If a relationship doesn’t “feel good,” it means it lacks one (or more) of these key factors.

We can pinpoint what’s missing and either repair the friendship or walk away if it’s not working anymore.

Now, back to that initial question: Do you have a BFF? If not, don’t sweat it. Take comfort and find satisfaction with relationships that sit on various levels of the “frientimacy spectrum” that serve us in different, meaningful ways.

For example, your friendship with some fellow moms may have served you well when your kids were younger, but those relationships may have fizzled once the kids got older.

“What most of us want is a BFF, but there’s no way to get that without starting at the bottom of the friendship triangle,” says Nelson. As we practice the three key factors, we nurture our friendships.

Some people may never reach best friend status, but they still provide value, Shasta says.

Nelson stresses the importance of building a pipeline of relationships, dovetailing those three factors into your interactions.

Enjoy all the girlfriends in your life, and don’t dismiss those who might not be BFF material, but could very well still make good friends.