What is romanticizing? And why do I keep doing it about my ex?
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been broken up, once in a while, you may still get a tinge of nostalgia when something reminds you of your ex. Or, when you start dating someone new, you might find yourself struggling to remember anything negative about your previous relationship. Instead, you find yourself artfully creating narratives that make your new partner fade in comparison.
Romanticizing an ex is common, but it’s not helpful.
But romanticizing an ex and thinking about them are not the same thing. I'm often asked by people how they can stop thinking about someone they haven't been in a relationship with for years. And, instead of giving them an answer, I tend to pose the following questions:
- Why do you want to stop thinking about your ex?
- Why does it bother you that you think of them?
- What do your thoughts consist of? (memories, fantasies, etc.)
- Are these thoughts stopping you from dating other people?
- Are your thoughts negatively impacting your current relationship?
- What beliefs do you hold about breakups? (“It’s not okay to think about an ex.”)
- What are these thoughts trying to communicate to you? (The need for closure?)
- Are these thoughts honoring the previous relationship or are they constructing a false picture of what that relationship was like?
Interesting: Long-term relationship myths that can damage your love life
It’s normal to think about someone who played an important part in your life – and remembering positive memories will be a part of that relationship. We, however, get to choose how we want to relate to our past and the meaning we attribute to it. We can choose to remember our past, feel any sort of way about it, and then keep living in the present. Or, we can choose to pine, embellish and live in something that no longer exists.
If you are romanticizing an ex – meaning, you are only remembering the positives (and describing the person or the dynamic in an unrealistic or idealized way) – you’ll end up convincing yourself that the relationship was better or more appealing than it actually was.
Important: What is 'breadcrumbing' in a relationship? And how to handle it
So, if you find yourself romanticizing, here are a couple of things that can help you stop:
Explore why you are doing it. More often we do things for a reason. Sometimes, it can feel easier to ignore or minimize the complexity of past relationships as a way to not have to deal with it. So, ask yourself: What purpose does romanticizing the relationship serve? Are you ready to move on? Is it helping you cope with something? Are you using it to sabotage your current relationship?
Try to remember facts. Write the narrative of your relationship and then reflect on its accuracy (maybe ask a friend whether what you wrote reflects the way you spoke about the relationship at the time). If it helps, write a pro and cons list.
Remember that things change. It’s important to remember that who you were is not who you are anymore. And, chances are, they also have grown into a different version of themselves. There is no “going back” because you are now two different people. You cannot replicate that dynamic or those feelings.
Heads up: Yes, your partner has a past. This is how to 'get over' it
Remember you broke up for a reason. When we romanticize, we ignore the arguments, tears and the heartbreak. We forget it wasn’t a perfect relationship and that it ended for a reason. Remember that reason. Trust that people who left your life weren’t meant to be there. And, if there is genuine regret about the relationship ending, remember that a way to process regret is to embrace a lesson – living in the past is not the answer.
Stop comparing. It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our ex to our new partner. This is unfair for many reasons. One, they are different people, and two, that we are sometimes comparing years dating to five dates. It's good to remember that not all differences are bad differences and that some differences don't matter – such as their preference for skiing over snowboarding.
Romanticizing can prevent you from living in the present and being in relationships that you deserve – don’t let it!
Definitely check this out: Thinking about getting back together with an ex? How to know if they deserve a second chance
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.