Setting boundaries can be difficult with family, but relationships need them.
We often struggle to set boundaries with the people closest to us. It's sometimes easier to tell a stranger who cut us off in a coffee shop to go stand at the back of the line than it is to tell our mom to stop calling us during work hours. Family boundaries always feel like a different ball of wax – we are often left wondering if we are allowed to set them or if we even need them.
But every relationship needs boundaries.
Many of us haven’t been taught about boundaries. Granted, many of our parents may not know much about them themselves. “Boundaries” have only recently become a hot topic and it’s important to give family members (and ourselves) grace as we learn to navigate the difficulties, triggers, and fears around setting them.
The biggest reactions are often caused when an individual's boundary challenges family rules or traditions. It can be as simple as staying at a nearby hotel during the holidays instead of sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the living room. Your need for space and privacy may challenge your parents' romanticized idea for the holidays. However, the boundaries that get the most resistance are the ones that entail asking someone to adjust the way they engage with you, a boundary that prompts change. For example: “if you keep raising your voice, I will end this conversation.”
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You might wonder about some other family boundaries, here are some examples:
- “I appreciate your perspective, but I will make this decision on my own.”
- “I respect your values and beliefs, but I do not share them.”
- “I will no longer be the middle person in family arguments. If you have an issue with a family member, please address them directly.”
- “My privacy is really important to me, please respect that.”
- “I am not ready to talk about my break up.”
- “Please don’t call me during work hours unless it’s an emergency.”
- “I know you and mom are getting a divorce, but I refuse to take sides.”
- “Making fun of my weight or relationship status hurts my feelings. Please stop.”
- “I expect my partner to be treated with kindness or we won’t come over anymore.”
- “Please stop asking us when we will have children. It is putting a lot of pressure on our relationship”
- “I can’t loan you more money until you pay me back the initial amount.”
- "You can borrow my car as long as you bring it back before 5 p.m.”
- "I will decide how to raise my children."
- “I don’t like being called sensitive or dramatic every time I talk about my feelings.”
Of course, these are just general examples and every boundary should reflect the individual and their context (there is no one-size-fits-all). For many people, family dynamics don’t leave much space to ask for what they need, say no, be themselves, share their emotions/thoughts, or disagree. It’s not uncommon for us to be raised thinking that boundaries are a form of rejection, disobedience or disrespect. We grow up thinking that setting a boundary is “bad” and can lead to anger or rejection, rather than understanding that a boundary can serve as a blueprint for our relationships.
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Boundaries are not about being entitled and expecting to always get our way. It's about navigating needs and honoring values for ourselves and others. Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if the person starts questioning if we love them as a result. In these contexts, it could be helpful to explain to them what a boundary is and its purpose – a deeper understanding and sense of safety.
Lastly, don’t forget to ask your family members what boundaries they feel are missing and would like to add!
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.