Why are we losing friends? The pandemic isn't fully at fault.
Before the pandemic, many of us held onto our sacred friendships — nurturing these relationships with weekly brunches, happy hour, hang outs and reunions. But now, even social butterflies are seeing their circles shrink.
Friendships are declining in America. According to a recent American Perspectives Survey, people reported having less close friends than in previous years, with roughly half of Americans citing three or fewer. Instead, they're turning to parents and romantic partners for support.
"People have lost their fringe friends, or those friends they saw once in a while. So it's unsurprising that surface-level friendships have decreased since we haven't been out and about as much," psychologist and friendship expert Dr. Marisa Franco says, citing social distancing measures and lockdowns.
Your social life is booming again.: Experts say 'take baby steps' as you start to see people.
Shasta Nelson, friendship expert and author of "Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness," adds that many people faced significant personal challenges during the pandemic, and as a result, became more selective in deciding which friends were worth confiding in. More than one in five survey respondents said the past 12 months have been "much more difficult for them than usual."
"More people were willing to be vulnerable during the pandemic. They wanted to be accepted and wanted it to feel more meaningful to have deep conversations rather than surface-level ones," she says.
The emotional toll of the pandemic: After losing their moms to COVID-19, some would rather Mother's Day not 'exist at all'
However, the pandemic isn't fully to blame for this change in our social networks.
Friendships have been on the decline for years thanks to increased geographic mobility, and increased workplace and childcare demands, according to the survey. Americans are working longer hours and spending twice as much time with their children compared to previous generations.
"The reality is they're just too busy and it's hard to keep up with their non-essential relationships. And sadly, friendships tend to be the first relationships that people drop," Franco says.
Nelson also blames the larger culture in America that sees "friendships as optional" in comparison to romantic or familial relationships.
"We live in a society where we feel friendship is a luxury for when we have extra time. And when we feel pressured for time due to work or our home lives, friendships are what we don't feel we have permission to maintain," she says.
"In contrast, the belief is that our parents and spouses will always be happy to hear from us, kind of like a safety net, even if we haven't been good at reaching out."
Work from home or always working?: Remote workdays during COVID-19 are longer thanks to technology
Relationships: These couples may struggle the most as the pandemic ends and we return to normal
How to reconnect with distant friends
Though it's not necessarily a bad thing to have less close friends, experts say it is important to surround ourselves with as many social support systems as possible.
"Quality matters over quantity. But the truth is that relying on a diversity of support is related to better mental health," Franco says. "When you have a diverse network of friends, you experience sides of yourself and become more enriched, and these friendships help us stretch and find our identities."
Nelson says it's important to ask yourself if you need more love and support in your life.
"If the answer is yes, think about which friendships you can deepen in your life."
There are some simple ways to reconnect with friends — even the distant ones, according to Nelson. Take these steps:
- Prioritize who you miss: Don't feel obligated to reach out to everyone, but choose the people you really miss and want to re-connect with.
- Make the effort to reach out: Include some acknowledgement of the absence as well as an affirmation of how much you miss and value them.
- Act on your words: Whether it's a coffee meet-up or a quick phone call, suggest an action for both of you to catch up.
Friends: The Destiny's Child group chat reunion is a good reminder to check in with your friends
Social life: You're finally ready to host that party. Should you ask guests about their vaccine status?