No, long-distance relationships are not impossible. How to make it work.
Long-distance is difficult. But my numerous experience with long-distance relationships have shown me they are hard but not impossible.
When you agree to be in a long-distance relationship, it is a (sometimes implicit) commitment to continue the relationship despite a geographical distance. Before deciding to try long-distance – a feat that’s destroyed many relationships – it’s important to reflect on what it means and what it would entail. Here are several question you can ask yourself:
- Do you want to do long-distance?
- Is your partner worth waiting for?
- What’s the ultimate goal of the relationship?
- Does your partner feel the same way you do?
- Is there an end date to the long-distance?
- Will long distance feel like self-betrayal?
- What’s motivating the decision to become long-distance? Is it driven by a desire to maintain the relationship or reluctance to being single?
Long-distance relationships are notorious for failing. Why? Although every relationship dynamic is different, these are the most common obstacles that emerge:
- Emotional distance can grow without individuals noticing
- It becomes more difficult to share your lives – both the big and small things
- Events and holidays feel lonely
- Needs go unmet (e.g. physical touch, quality time)
- Sadness becomes overwhelming
- Jealousy and insecurities set in
- Fights are postponed or ignored
- More room for miscommunication is created (texts, posted pictures, quick phone calls, etc.)
The list is intimidating. But if you are someone who is about to do long-distance or you are struggling with being in a long-distance relationship, here are six tips:
Live life. Relationships are great but they can also be a distraction. Long-distance can offer some extra time and space for us to really focus on projects, work, self-growth and expanding our social circles. Instead of viewing time apart as “wasted,” we can view it as time to really focus on ourselves. It’s important to remember that your life is not on pause.
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Take time to reflect. It’s easy to get so wrapped up in the dynamic of a relationship that we don’t pause to reflect on its impact, direction or our role. We often lean on our partners for validation, social plans or decision-making. Now, the onus falls on us. Long-distance offers an opportunity to reestablish our independence and reevaluate the way we show up in the relationship.
Discuss needs. Long-distance changes relationships and, as a consequence, our needs – and the way we address those needs – will also change. Most love languages are difficult to meet during long distance, such physical touch, acts of service and as quality time (there is only so much time people want to spend on their phone). Adjusting the way we show love and attend to our partner’s needs is key!
Communication. Communication is important for maintaining connection and intimacy. It's helpful to share insecurities and fears in order to clarify our feelings and maintain openness. Consistent communication can also help keep our significant other included in our life events, both big and small. Remember, consistent doesn’t mean incessant.
Stop making assumptions. It’s helpful to limit the amount of assumptions we make; instead, practice turning assumptions into questions. The person cannot read our mind – and vice versa. It’s in our best interest to ask questions and make sure we’re on the same page.
Relax. Yes, it’s important to communicate and keep the relationship growing, but that doesn’t mean the relationship should become a tedious to-do. It’s OK if some days we feel more like watching TV than talking. Being intentional about connecting does not have to entail a strict, soul-sucking, routine. That regularity can kill all joy in the relationship or put undue pressure on couples to make every interaction special.
Develop new rituals. We may not be able to do all the things we used to. Instead of trying to replicate the same activities, start new rituals. Try sending a morning picture or doing an online workout together.
Set an end-date. Long-distance is easier if there’s an end date. At least try to figure out when you’ll see each other next; make it something to look forward to. Even an intention is often better than the unknown.
I know everyone says “long distance relationships don’t work” but it can.
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.