The dangers of not talking to kids about sex

Children's questions about sex, bodies and reproduction are natural and predictable, yet many adults seem perplexed by them. Some find themselves wholly unprepared to answer them.

It can look like a clumsy response to the 3-year-old who asks, "why is my penis hard?" or the stunned silence when the 6-year-old wonders aloud, "where do babies come from?" It's the sense of overwhelmingness when the 12-year-old wants to know, "does sex hurt?" because the answer is no and yes and everything in between.

Children's questions about sexuality are inevitable. Understanding their bodies and how those bodies relate to others is a fundamental aspect of their well-being. Why are so many adults afraid to teach them?

"They think that if they talk to their kids that somehow then they are going to cultivate promiscuity. There's no evidence or research or social science that proves that. In fact, the inverse is true," said Shafia Zaloom, a nationally recognized sex educator and author of "Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between." "They are also rubbing up against cultural values that may contribute to resistance or discomfort or aversion." 

A 2017 review of abstinence-only programs in the Journal of Adolescent Health argued "young people need access to accurate and comprehensive sexual health information to protect their health and lives." 

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To raise sexually healthy children, Zaloom said parents need to think about how they came to understand sex and even how that understanding may still be evolving.  

"We want parenting adults to think about, reflect upon, understand their relationship to sexuality, sexuality education, the conversations they had with parenting adults as they were growing up, the ones they didn't, so that you can be a more effective parenting adult when it comes to having these talks," Zaloom said.

'The village' responds differently to questions about sex

There are many moments in a child's life when a parent is caught off guard, by behavior or a question. That's what the village is for. Parents ask other parents. They post in Facebook groups. They Google. 

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But Zaloom said as a parent educator, she sees questions about sex and sexuality treated differently from other parenting concerns. 

"We don't have the same response as we would with other aspects of parenting," she said. "The vast majority of parents are doing the best they can with what they've got. But when it comes to having productive, age-appropriate, positive conversations about sexuality that will contribute to a young child's wellbeing, we're not prepared."

We're not prepared, she said, because those conversations didn't happen for most of us.

In Zaloom's parent workshops, when she asks, "What was your sex education like?" she says she may get a rogue parent or two in an audience of 100 who had sex-positive parents who empowered them with sexual messages that were entirely age-appropriate. They learned about bodily autonomy. They felt they had agency. They could say no. They could say yes. They were making informed decisions that contributed to their overall well-being. 

The vast majority, she said, only got a clinical lesson in their school's sex-ed class. Or they got a stigmatized message about sex grounded in shame. 

Shame, trauma, cultural differences: Discomfort is personal

How comfortable an adult is talking to a child about sex and sexuality will depend on their own experiences, knowledge and histories. 

For some adults, their discomfort is cultural. Maybe they were raised in a culture were masturbation was frowned upon and sex before marriage was forbidden, or maybe they were raised in a family where they weren't encouraged to ask questions. Some adults are dealing with personal or generational sexual trauma. Some hyper-masculine men who weren't nurtured find they struggle with the capacity to have vulnerable conversations with their children. 

Adults can find conversations about sex painful and triggering and may have to take stock of their own pasts in order to have healthy conversations about sex with their own children. 

"It takes a lot of courage, and you have to do a lot of your own work, too, to be able to do it effectively," Zaloom said.

Talking about sex doesn't lead to sex

Lauren Carpenter, a wellness teacher at Rowland Hall, a private school in Salt Lake City, said her more than three decades as a sex educator has shown that parents' biggest hang-up continues to be the fear that if they talk about sex, it'll seem as though they are encouraging sex.

But sex educators say there is no empirical evidence that if adults talk to kids in healthy ways about age-appropriate sexuality that it will accelerate the timeline in which they become sexually curious or sexually active. Parents who talk to their kids about sex, Carpenter said, are helping them navigate the inevitable. 

"If a parent gets birth control for their daughter, then people think they're somehow saying it's OK to have sex, when really they're just being a smart parent who can't control everything," she said.

Ryan Hoglund, director of ethical education at Rowland Hall, said talking to kids about healthy sexuality is even more important in today's sex-saturated media environment. Children are exposed to messages about sex earlier than a generation ago. Media marketed to children isn't always developmentally appropriate, and for children with Internet access, pornography is just a click away. 

"If you're not having that conversation, the conversation's happening somewhere else – peers, the Internet, or in your first relationship where you're negotiating a power dynamic of one person who knows and the other one who doesn't, and I think that can really lead to some disappointing, if not dangerous, outcomes," Hoglund said.

Not talking about sex with children could be dangerous or even deadly, especially for certain populations, including LGBTQ youth.

Parents aren't alone

Sex educators say there are resources on the web, parent educators, health networks and pediatricians to help adults navigate these topics. Sex educators also want adults to know:

Adults don't have to be perfect: You don't have to be perfect in your own life or relationships to talk to your kids about sex and sexuality. You can be on your second divorce and have this conversation.

"That's being human and your child's a human being who's going to be in relationships in different contexts where you could really share what you've learned from those failed relationships," Zaloom said. "Part of success is failing. As parents we can say, 'I didn't get this and man was it important and boy I wish I had it.' I think that that's a real important piece, to be able to narrate healthy vulnerability."

Adults don't need to have all the answers: It's OK to say, "I don't know." It's OK to make a mistake in a conversation and come back to your child and correct it.

"You're never 100 percent ready to have these conversations. I think this is that growth mindset in parenting where you fall forward a little bit," Hoglund said. "It's OK to go to your child and say, 'hey, that conversation maybe didn't go as well,' or 'I've been thinking about other information,' or 'That's a really good question. Can we research it together?'"

Start sexual education early: Lessons about sex and sexuality should start early. Adolescence is too late to start talking about healthy relationships and the mechanics of sex. With young kids, work on teaching consent and empathy, privacy and the harm of gender stereotypes. Always use the correct terminology for body parts. Don't make them hug and kiss people they don't want to. Talk to them about the difference between intent and impact. If you're struggling, lean on books.

Scripts are helpful: Think about what you want to say ahead of time. And if questions aren't being asked, broach topics yourself. 

"It's not a question of, 'if I'm going to have this conversation with my child,' but 'when I'm going to,'" Hoglund said. "It's helpful to think about what you might say, what is comfortable, and what is the right amount of information given their question that's not going past what is developmentally appropriate."

It will probably be awkward. It will also be OK: Some of these conversations will be uncomfortable. 

"Who wants to talk to their parents about sex? I don't know a whole lot who actually really do," Zaloom said. "It's difficult. It's uncomfortable. It's cringey. We're a culture that doesn't do very well with discomfort. We evade vulnerability. All these things get in the way of our capacity to have these conversations." 

You don't have to be the only adult talking about it: Parents aren't the only adults who can or should talk children about sex. Zaloom said for all her expertise, she's had to lean on other adults to help with her own children.

"My kids don't want to talk to me about this stuff. Can you imagine having your mom who's a nationally recognized sex educator talk to you about sex? Horrible," she said. "I was very clear with certain friends who I have and some family members and said, 'You got to talk to my kid." And I would even say to my kids, 'I know you don't want to talk to me. You need some real important information. Go talk to Jen.'"

Give children choices: The conversations can be difficult, so give your kids some autonomy as you figure out the best way to have them. Maybe they want to watch a movie together and talk about the themes. Maybe they want to listen to a podcast separately and come together afterward to share thoughts.

"Get creative and think outside the box," Zaloom said.

A conversation that's so much bigger than sex

There's so much to teach children about healthy sexuality, sex educators say, that it can never just be one "big talk." These conversations are critical and complex and in some ways infused into every aspect of a child's development. For children to have healthy sexual relationships, they need to understand themselves. They need to know what they deserve and what they can demand. For most people, that sense of assuredness and self-love is an ever-evolving goal.

Sex educators encourage parents, especially, to embrace the role of educating their kids about sex, to move from the idea of, "I have to talk to my kid about this" to "I get to talk to my kid about this."

"This is the opportunity. This is part of the lesson. This is the gift where you say, 'I know it's hard. I know this is uncomfortable. But sometimes the most important conversations are the most difficult ones to have.'" Zaloom said. "You tell them, 'I don't have all the answers, but I know how important it is. And I love you so much that we're going to have these conversations. We're going to figure out how to do this together.'"