All couples fight. How to argue the right way.
It’s OK to fight and have disagreements in relationships. Even the best relationships experience moments of tension when the individuals involved are faced with the task of working through it.
What makes conflict productive instead of unproductive – or even harmful – is the way couples approach their fights.
Here are general dos and don’ts that can help couples navigate their next argument. (Keep in mind that these guidelines are not written for anyone who finds themselves in an abusive situation.)
Things to avoid during a fight:
- Empty threat
- Demeaning or disrespectful language
- Name calling or yelling
- Forcing a conversation if the other person doesn’t want to talk
- Talking over the other person
- Getting other people involved and asking them to take sides
- Bringing up old issues or mistakes
Keep these things in mind while fighting with your significant other
Pick your timing
There may not be a “perfect” time to have a disagreement, but certain times are better than others. If we are feeling angry, hungry or exhausted, it may not be the best time to bring up an issue. If your partner is in the middle of an important task or not feeling well, it may also not be the best time.
Poor timing can escalate the intensity of any fight. When possible, it may be helpful to tell your partner what you would like to discuss and give them some time to reflect. When people feel ambushed by conflict, they are more likely to become defensive.
Be aware of the context
Some spaces are not conducive to a healthy discussion. Having a fight in a public space or in front of family can add complexity, intensity and shame to the discussion. It's important to make sure both people feel able to speak freely.
Be clear on the issue
Focus on one issue at a time. When more than one issue is being discussed, the problems can snowball and become too big to address. Focusing on multiple issues may also be a deflection tactic used to avoid taking responsibility.
More: Is it a deal breaker? Most common relationship-ending conflicts.
Take time to reflect
Before engaging in an argument, reflect on why you are actually upset. Is it really about what your partner said or did in that moment? Is it about a deeper need not being met or boundary they’re not respecting? Maybe it’s not just about your partner taking a two-minute phone call during movie night – maybe it’s about feeling like your partner does not respect your time.
Have a clear goal
What is the goal of your discussion? Fights shouldn’t be about winning. It’s important to remember that both individuals should be on the same team – and trying to reach a solution. Conflict has the potential to bring couples together and deepen their understanding of each other. Conflict also has the potential to create wedges between couples. The intention and goal of each individual becomes clear during a fight, and ultimately shapes its tone.
Take a break
It’s OK to take a break if you’re feeling triggered or overwhelmed. It’s also OK for your partner to do the same. Things don’t need to get worked out immediately. Pressuring someone to talk can make them shut down or feel unsafe – neither of which is a productive outcome.
Taking a break is not the same as suddenly storming out and slamming the door. Before taking space, it’s important to communicate and do it in a way that is not threatening to the other person.
More: It's time to normalize common relationship problems like dry spells and wanting time alone
Listen and summarize
Try to listen for the purpose of understanding rather than responding. It can be helpful to summarize what the other person has said in order to ensure that you are clear about what they’re trying to communicate. Reflecting back to them what you have heard is also a great way for them to feel seen.
Set boundaries
If a couple sets boundaries around conflict ahead of time, these boundaries can serve as guidelines during the potentially overwhelming, confusing and painful time.
Agree on aftercare
It’s helpful for couples to determine how they would like to transition out of a fight and their roles within the fight. Hugging in silence or watching a movie together could serve as fun transition activities!
More: Can your relationship truly recover from cheating?
More: No, long-distance relationships are not impossible. How to make it work.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.