How to communicate your sexual desires to your partner – without feeling awkward
I was recently asked in regards to sex, "How do you get comfortable telling your partner what you want?"
Although I frequently receive questions about discrepancies in libido or how to spice things up in the bedroom, I rarely get asked about communication and sex, which is interesting since communication is such an integral part of a satisfying sex life.
The discomfort or awkwardness around communicating your sexual desires will depend on the relationship you have with your partner. Relationships that encompass trust, lack judgment, embrace openness and focus on sharing experiences will allow intimate communication to be more comfortable. That’s better than putting on a performance.
More: Searching for love? Here's what to look for in a partner.
Another part of increasing your comfort in these conversations is increasing the self-awareness you have about your own sexuality. In some instances it’s not that our partner is uncomfortable with us expressing our sexual desire, it’s just us.
Before you dive into a conversation about your sexual desires with your partner, it might be helpful to explore the following three questions:
What are your sexual expectations? Some people expect sex to always be passionate and explosive. Others expect it to be gentle and romantic. And some expect it to be satisfying, without ever having to communicate their needs. Examine your expectations and reflect on your communication as a whole in the relationship. Doing so can help you gain insight into why you may be uncomfortable with having a conversation about sex.
What is your relationship with your own sexuality? Having sex is one thing. Having a relationship with the sexual and sensual parts of ourselves is another. If you are unaware of the things you like or you feel embarrassed, judged or ashamed about the things you would like to try, you are likely to anticipate that your partner will respond the same way. If you are projecting your discomfort or fear, it's less likely you will share your desires. So the more comfortable you are with your own sexual journey, the easier these conversations can become.
More: I'm ready to resume dating. Can I date multiple people at once?
What are your beliefs about sex? Some people have been raised to believe that sex is for the other person’s satisfaction. For many, sex has become more of an obligation than a form of intimacy and self-exploration. Exploring questions such as, “Do I believe sex should be fun and enjoyable for me?” or “Do I think there are wrong or inappropriate desires when it comes to sex?” can help you understand if your beliefs are preventing you from asking for what you want.
Now, if you know what you want to communicate with your partner, here are some tips to take this step:
- Pick the right time. There will never be a “perfect” time, especially if your partner is sensitive, insecure or uncomfortable talking about sex. Try to reflect on what kind of conversation needs to occur. Is it something that can be casually mentioned during sex? Should it happen over a glass of wine when sex is unlikely to follow?
- Emphasize the desire. A conversation about your preferences or desires can feel like criticism for those receiving it. Ensure that you phrase the desire as something you are excited to try together rather than a shortcoming in your current sex.
- Get them involved. Being clear about what you want is as crucial as allowing the other person to process and tell you how they feel about it. It’s important to be curious about their comfort and boundaries around the activity. Similarly, asking them what they like can open up a fun way for both of you to learn more and spice up your sex life!
- Practice. Difficult or uncomfortable conversations only get easier with practice.
More: Is your ex ruining your current relationship?
More: Help, I'm in a sexless marriage: 'I've thought about leaving a million times but I'm still here'
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.