My girlfriend is mad at me over my gifting. Am I making a big mistake?
Question: "I’m looking for advice for this argument between me and my girlfriend. When I buy my girlfriend gifts for special occasions such as birthdays and holidays, my mom tends to say she likes the items. So I’ll usually try to buy the same items for my mom for Christmas or her birthday. My girlfriend doesn’t like this but I don’t see the big deal. If she would buy me and her mom the same stuff, I wouldn’t care.
For example, I bought her some designer sandals in black for Christmas, and then I bought my mom the same slides in pink for her birthday the following August.
Is she being unreasonable, or am I just being antagonizing since she has stated this to me previously but I continue to do it?"
Answer: "Your story reminds me a little bit of an episode of “I Love a Mama’s Boy” on TLC. In the show, a son goes shopping with his mom to buy his girlfriend a gift for Valentine's day. After he selects lingerie for his girlfriend, he selects a black silk robe, and his mom likes it so much, he buys her one as well.
Luckily, the example you mention is sandals and not intimate items. However, your partner has mentioned to you that receiving the same presents as your mom upsets her. By continuing to buy the same gifts, you may be sending the message that you don’t respect her feelings or care about her enough to find separate, unique gifts.
When receiving a present, it’s nice to not feel like an afterthought or as if you were clumped together with someone else. While finding the perfect gift can be hard, and at times it seems as if there’s an unnecessary amount of etiquette to follow, try to keep the following golden rule in mind: Find gifts that are intentional, thoughtful or show you were listening. I pay attention throughout the year and jot down notes about items friends and family pointed out while shopping, hobbies they’re passionate about, activities they’d like to try. My favorite items I’ve been gifting this year have been experiences rather than gifts.
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When it comes to gifts this holiday season, because your girlfriend has clearly articulated her feelings, if you continue to ignore that request, you’ll be going out of your way to disregard her. This could damage your relationship, and while it may seem like a petty problem, it could be a deal-breaker for her.
A final note to mention, while I have no information about the relationship you have with your mom or why your girlfriend doesn’t like receiving the same gifts, she could be sensing a red flag in this behavior. Sometimes, mothers want to be the most important woman in their son’s life and can view their son's partner as competition. Your mom may just have the same great taste as your girlfriend, but you may want to talk to your girlfriend about how this behavior is coming across from her point of view.
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with Paste BN's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
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