Single over the holidays? How to feel OK about being alone.
When did society decide that it was sad to be single over the holidays?
A constant trope in holiday movies is people being distraught from Thanksgiving until the New Year because they’re single. Media depicts awkward conversations with relatives about “singlehood” and life choices, hiring pretend partners to fool families and having no one to kiss at midnight. Although all of these things could happen and could make us sad, we shouldn’t assume it will. It's not especially helpful to buy into the narrative that singles need to "survive" the festive season or should be embarrassed for not having a significant other.
It’s time to challenge the narrative. Instead of assuming you should hate being single during December, consider these things:
- What are the advantages and disadvantages of being single during the holidays?
- How have I been programed to think about being single over the holidays?
- Am I upset about being single or am I upset about how others are treating me for being single?
- How can I use this time to focus on myself and the people I love?
- Is there something I need to grieve or let go of during this holiday season?
Still, if you’re having a tough time being single during the holidays, I want to let you know that it’s normal and it’s OK.
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Here are a some tips that may help you during this season:
Allow yourself to feel your feelings. There is no need to pretend you don’t feel upset or sad – or relieved for that matter. Embrace whatever is coming up for you. The best way to allow emotions to flow (rather than build) is to release rather than suppress them. This can look like crying, journaling or talking to someone.
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Set boundaries. When relatives make unkind comments about your relationship status, your friend tries to set you up on a blind date or your mom compares your dating history to your married sister’s, it’s time to set some boundaries. It can be as simple as, “This year, my relationship status is off limits as a topic of conversation.”
Be with people you love. Being single is a great opportunity to spend time with the people, animals and things you care about. You are not obligated to split your holidays in two or attend work parties with people you don’t know and consequently miss your nephew's recital. See it as an opportunity to connect with those you love.
Do things you want to do. Maybe you want to take a trip to Mexico or decorate the house while listening to holiday music on repeat for a month straight. Whatever it is, use your freedom and lack of need to compromise to enjoy yourself. It gives you the option to make your own traditions. Maybe all you want for Christmas is to skip the holiday and read in bed all day. You get to decide what your attitude, mindset and festivities will look like.
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Go on dates. Just because you are single when the holidays start, doesn’t mean you have to pause dating until next year. If you want to go on some holiday-themed dates, it could be a really fun way to enjoy the season’s cheer and get to know someone.
Enjoy the lack of pressure. Without a partner, you are not expected to impress someone’s family, buy a perfect gift or navigate meeting their parents. You are not asked to engage in random traditions or take family trips before you’re ready. It may not feel like a win, but focusing on your gains rather than the losses can offer you a more objective perspective.
It’s not helpful to force ourselves to be “positive” and enjoy being single when we do not. However, it can be helpful to decide how you want to approach the holidays, set some boundaries and use the time in a way that will nurture you.
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.