My partner's family won't stop gossiping about my weight. Should I tell him?
Question: "My partner and I have been together for six years, and in that time I have moved across the country so that we could live together. We have a great relationship and are really happy. Here’s the problem, my partner's family is obsessed with weight. His older sister used to have an eating disorder and is always commenting on everyone’s weight. His younger sister is my age, and we are good friends, which is why she felt comfortable enough to tell me that her family, including her mom, dad and sister, always talk about how much weight I’ve put on.
I have gone from being a size 8 to a size 12 in the last six years, which is about 2 dress sizes. However, I’m a modest 5 foot 2 inches tall, and was recently diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). So while I have put on some weight, it doesn’t bother my partner or me. It has really upset me that they are talking about my weight behind my back. I normally get along really well with his family, and feel betrayed by these comments. Should I tell my partner what his family has been saying and confront them or should I pretend like I don’t know they are saying anything?"
My husband's best friend lives with us: Can I kick him out?
Answer: I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this callous behavior. Their comments about your weight are not acceptable.
To me, it sounds like your partner's family has an unhealthy relationship with food, eating habits and body policing. This could be due to beauty standards being pushed on them from a young age or perhaps they have fat phobias that they don’t even consciously recognize. Either way this is not something you need to be subjected to, and their behavior should be confronted.
Understanding fat phobia: Everything you miss when you think weight loss is about willpower
I suggest you begin by letting your partner know what you’ve heard, how you feel and what an ideal outcome would look like for you (i.e. his family doesn’t discuss your weight anymore). This is your partner's family, and while it’s still unacceptable behavior, he may be able to provide further insight into why his family acts like this. After this conversation, your partner can confront them and draw a solid boundary based on your discussion. I think it’s important you let him have this conversation without you in the hopes his family will become less defensive and to try to prevent strain on your relationship with them.
I know it’s easier said than done, but do not take this personally. Your body is beautiful. Practice some gratitude. Even a simple mantra and the recognition about how much your body does for you on a daily basis is a great place to start. Also, I know PCOS can be a jarring diagnosis, but now you have your answer and can focus on feeling better and addressing any symptoms you’re battling.
Wishing you well,
Morgan
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with Paste BN's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.
If you or someone you know is struggling with body image or eating concerns, the National Eating Disorders Association's toll-free and confidential helpline is available by phone or text at 1-800-931-2237 or by click-to-chat message at nationaleatingdisorders.org/helpline. For 24/7 crisis situations, text "NEDA" to 741-741.
What should I do? Unemployed husband won't take his job search seriously, has me paying his loans.
Am I wrong? I won't let my sister-in-law and her four kids stay with us for a few days.
Is this relationship worth saving? My boyfriend refuses to divorce his ex unless I pay for it.