Yes, your partner has a past. This is how to 'get over' it
Chances are, your partner has dated someone before they started dating you. And, it’s OK. Let’s start by acknowledging that it’s normal for our partner to have had a life before we came into it (even if many of us don’t like this thought or find it hard to believe).Then, let’s change the narrative from their past being something we have to “get over” or “put up with” to something we need to understand, address and accept (if we want to continue the relationship, that is).
We have the right to choose not be with someone because of their history. (It sounds harsh, but it's true.) If we do choose to be with someone, we need to process, communicate and set boundaries that will prevent our pasts from tainting the relationship. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, that’s easier said than done.
Going on a first date? Make sure to ask these questions.
Here are a couple of things to keep in mind while navigating your partner’s past:
It's important to acknowledge how you’re feeling. How do you feel about your partner’s past? Are you feeling jealous, insecure, betrayed, sad, worried? Digging deep and understanding which part of their history bothers you is a good place to start. Maybe we feel like we don’t have all the information, and it makes us suspicious or insecure. Maybe there is something they’ve done that we are worried they may do again. Maybe we are scared we can’t live up to their ex. Whatever it is, we need to explore it while being mindful of what has actually been said and what assumptions we are bringing into the situation.
It's OK to ask questions. Depending on the nature of the relationship and the other person’s boundaries, it may be helpful to ask questions or seek clarifications for things that make us feel uneasy. We are allowed to want to know more to put our anxieties to rest; however, this does not involve judging, blaming, shaming or offering an ultimatum to our partner about their decision to disclose. We also have to acknowledge that our partner is allowed to keep things private. But lack of disclosure can start to look like dishonesty when the information withheld would change our mind about staying in the relationship with them. (That is not OK.) Bottom line: If we are faced with lack of information, we can decide if this is a deal breaker for us.
Is it a deal breaker? Most common relationship-ending conflicts.
The person I was dating disappeared: How to get over being ghosted.
Their past will influence them. It would be unreasonable to assume that you partner’s previous relationships have had no impact on them or that they won’t affect the relationship you have. Your partner’s past will shape how they see and understand relationships, as well as what they hope for your future together. And, let's not forget, we also need to own up to the fact that the same probably applies to us. Elizabeth Earnshaw, an author and couples therapist, says, “Part of a relationship tends to be navigating the reality of a past, together.”
The past doesn’t take away your future. Sometimes it’s easy to worry if your partner’s past will be more important than the current relationship they have with you. We may also worry that their ex will come and "steal" them away – now, if this happens, I would argue they were never "yours" to be begin with and you are lucky if you find that out sooner rather than later. It’s important to trust your partner and the fact that they are choosing to be with you. If you struggle to trust that this is true, it's either something that needs to be discussed or it may be a sign it's not the right relationship for you.
'Does sex in every long-term monogamous relationship lack excitement?': Or is it just mine?'
Their past is their teacher. Isn’t it slightly annoying when we have endured a “roller coaster” relationship with extreme highs or lows, and then you see that person happy with someone else? It’s tempting to want to send them a postcard that says “you’re welcome” – but don’t. We all learn some difficult lessons in relationships. It can be pleasant or encouraging to think that the mistakes our partner has made in their past means they won't make those mistakes with us.
Getting over an ex: Is your ex ruining your current relationship?
Is it the end? Can your relationship truly recover from cheating?
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.