Are you in a codependent relationship? How to tell.
The term "codependency" was all the hype on Instagram in 2019, kind of like how the concept of "gaslighting" was huge in 2020 and "boundaries" made a splash in 2021. It’s tempting to hear these terms and begin to see things through that lens.
But codependency is not a clinical diagnosis, and has been defined in many different ways. I use the term codependency to describe a relationship dynamic where a person loses their sense of self in an effort to maintain a relationship in which they hope to get something they cannot give themselves (love, safety, purpose).
Chances are, we all exhibit some “signs” of codependency. Yet, exploring the concept of codependency is important because it can help us reflect on how we understand love (how it’s been taught or modeled to us) and it can aid us in making necessary changes in our relationships.
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Let’s walk through some common signs of codependency and compare it to what a healthy, loving dynamic would look like:
Denial. A common sign of codependency is when we avoid acknowledging how we feel being in a relationship. We become so focused on maintaining the relationship dynamic that our discomfort, hurt or lack of fulfillment goes ignored. We will often make excuses for the other person’s bad behaviors in order to keep a homeostasis so we can keep being in the relationship.
An alternative is to stay aware of how we are experiencing ourselves and the relationship in order to make necessary adjustments as quickly as possible. This would allow both individuals to create a dynamic that is nurturing and relevant.
Low self-esteem. Individuals in codependent relationships often struggle to see their own self-worth outside the relationship. Over time, we may begin to value approval of our partner more than our own self-approval. Eventually, they may become our sole source of “feeling good” about ourselves. This may mean that our dedication to preserving the relationship is really our way to preserve our own self-worth.
An alternative is for both individuals to work on the relationship they have with themselves. Basing the most important relationship we will ever have – the one with who we are – on someone else is not only risky, but it also adds a lot of pressure on the other person. Happy relationships are often ones where both individuals feel whole.
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Poor boundary setting. It’s difficult for people to draw any lines that may result in someone walking away or being displeased. Individuals in codependent relationships are often scared of rejection and allow this fear to drive their decisions. We will go as far as to sacrifice our own boundaries for the sake of the relationship. The tendency to people-please makes it anxiety inducing to say “no.”
An alternative is to make our decisions based on the understanding and respect we have for ourselves, our partner and the relationship – rather than fear. It’s about setting boundaries in order to build a healthy and sustainable relationship where the people involved will feel like they have enough space and protection to be themselves.
Responsibility. We may feel an exaggerated sense of responsibility to take care of the other person in a codependent relationship. This often accompanies taking care of them more than ourselves and choosing to meet their needs over our own. It usually comes hand in hand with constantly sacrificing disproportionately with the other person. We assume the role of a caretaker, trying to help or “fix” the other person (even if the person doesn't want us to). This is also fueled by fear and our desire to be "useful" or in control.
An alternative is to stop romanticizing self-abandonment. We should absolutely care about our partner, but it should not infringe on how we take care of ourselves (at least not on an ongoing basis). We need to discern what is our responsibility and what isn’t. Taking their responsibility as our own can create an unevenly distributed and burdensome relationship.
Lacking identity, interests and values outside the relationship is a common sing of codependency. This is when we almost cease to exist without our partner and the relationship.
An alternative is to ensure that our life revolves around us, and not our partner. We need to guard against loosing ourselves in a relationship. When we lose sight of who we are, our relationship will suffer. If we don't know who we are, who is our partner in a relationship with? Spending time nurturing our own self-relationship and self-love will ultimately benefit our relationships with others.
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.