How soon is too soon to get married? 'Limerence' is part of the answer. What is it?
In her latest film "Marry Me" (out Friday), Jennifer Lopez's character decides to marry a random concert-goer (Owen Wilson) she spots in the crowd. While it's a less-than-ordinary scenario, it raises the question: can marrying someone you just met end in a happily-ever-after?
While it varies from person to person, experts say how long a couple has known each other can play a factor in a marriage's success, an idea associated with the limerence theory.
The term limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979 to describe the first stage of love. The concept has most recently found renewed interest on TikTok, with more than 6 million views surrounding the hashtag #limerence.
Cynthia Catchings, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist at Talkspace, describes it as similar to the "honeymoon phase" many are familiar with but a "little bit more chemical."
"Your brain is producing all these chemicals, the dopamine and so on. So you start feeling like you're very attached to a person," she says.
During limerence, there's a sense of "passion" and "intensity," explains Dr. Megan Fleming, a clinical psychologist who specializes in sex therapy and marriage counseling. "It's also linked with feelings of infatuation, obsession and a need to be around that person."
Limerence typically lasts about 6 months to a year, though it can last up to three years, Fleming explains. During that time, it has the power to warp reality.
"When you fall in love – and this is true of limerence – the reality is, you don't know that person. It's really all a projection," she says. "You're more involved with the idea and the obsession of it... A lot of limerence is fantasy."
That's why before saying "I do," it's important to get to know someone so you can be "more informed" about that person.
"You want to date somebody long enough that (you've seen) the bad and the ugly to some extent – you've seen them handle a frustration, a disappointment, a conflict," she says. "You're not going to really get to know what that person's truly like until you move past that cocktail (of chemicals)."
While limerence can be reality-warping, it's not all bad – there's a reason for it.
"Without limerence, we wouldn't be able to form relationships," explains Catchings. "You see someone, you really like them, there's a physical and an emotional attraction. That allows you to spend time with them, to really get to know them, to maybe do things that you wouldn't do with another person."
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Before marriage, consider these factors too
While time and limerence can play a role in how successful a marriage may be, there's not a specific timeline for everyone to follow, Catchings clarifies.
"The limerence period is something that most of us experience... (but) many times there's no right or wrong," she says, adding the typical time before an engagement is three to five years of dating. "I've met clients that dated for two months and after that, they have been married for 15-20 years, and I have met others that dated for five to 10 years and then they get divorced after a year."
Instead of an exact timeline, she advises spending "real time together" before committing in order to form a foundation of understanding, especially in difficult subject areas such as intimacy, finances and children. Experts says these are the main issues they see married clients seeking therapy for.
"During the heat of limerence, couples are having great sex. But almost all couples have some level of mismatched sexual desire," Fleming says. "So what happens is, it's almost like that chemical drug ends and one partner feels like they've been duped... This disillusionment is what happens post-popping the bubble of limerence."
Whether it's issues of intimacy or something else the couple is facing, Catchings says almost everything branches out of a lack of communication.
Take the time to establish some "core ingredients," Fleming says, including commitment, communication and the ability to have hard conversations, which help support a successful relationship even when issues arise.
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