Have you been thinking about foreplay all wrong? Here's what you may be missing.
Whenever I hear people talk about foreplay, it's often within the context of doing something minutes before engaging in sexual intercourse. Common foreplay suggestions are often to give a massage, dance together, wear lingerie or jump into the shower with your significant other.
For many, foreplay is about physical touch, and numerous articles tell us where and how to touch the other person to increase their desire and arousal. But while foreplay can be about kissing, cuddling and the like, it doesn't have to be.
Everything we do with and for our partner can be a form of foreplay.
If the purpose of foreplay is to increase intimacy and desire, this can also be accomplished by remembering your partner's coffee order, letting them sleep in or complimenting them. Yes, making out can get their heart-pounding, but washing dishes or folding the laundry can decrease their stress levels and give them more time and energy for intimacy.
For many, receiving thoughtful gestures such as a romantic home-cooked meal or a sweet sticky note on the fridge can be as effective as getting a dirty text.
Help, I'm in a sexless marriage: 'I've thought about leaving a million times but I'm still here'
Think about how you approach foreplay
If you are not satisfied with your sex life, perhaps it may be time to reflect on your foreplay. How do you show up for your partner daily (not just 10 minutes before you want to sleep together)? If we are not attentive, supportive or flirty, chances are the flowers we buy or the five-minute foot rub we offer may not be enough to get our partner excited for deeper intimacy or sexual expression. Feeling valued, seen and safe can be a powerful form of foreplay.
It all boils down to communicating with your partner about how you define foreplay and what your preferences are (and being curious about theirs). How long do you like it to last? What are your likes and dislikes?
While talking about foreplay, it can also be helpful to define terms such as sex, pleasure and intimacy with your partner.
What is 'breadcrumbing' in a relationship? And how to handle it
I need advice: 'Does sex in every long-term monogamous relationship lack excitement? Or is it just mine?'
Why do people ignore foreplay?
Many people skip over foreplay because they are either too eager to reach the next step or they abstain from foreplay because they don't want to feel obligated to go further. Sometimes all we want is to cuddle or get a massage without feeling like we have to engage in other sexual activity.
Another reason why people may not initiate foreplay is they may lack the confidence or experience to do so. We need to stop assuming everyone who doesn't prioritize foreplay is selfish or lazy. Maybe they need some encouragement or suggestions!
Is an open relationship right for you?: Sex, relationship advice if you're exploring non-monogamy
Six things to remember about foreplay:
- Foreplay can be simple
- Foreplay can begin before you even see the person (send a text, clean the house)
- Foreplay is not solely about physical touch. It's about how you make your partner feel
- People have different definitions of foreplay
- People have different preferences when it comes to foreplay
- People have different goals for foreplay (for some it's one of the stops, and for others, it's the final destination)
Talking about sex: How to communicate your sexual desires to your partner – without feeling awkward
In the dating world, rejection is normal: Here is how to deal with it.
Sex and relationships: 'How can I understand I don't have to sleep with someone for them to like me? I keep forgetting.'
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.