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Have you outgrown your relationship? Here's how to tell.


There is often a lot of guilt that accompanies feeling like we've outgrown our partner, so we pretend it's not happening. But the more we deny the relationship isn't working, the worse it can become.

When we meet someone we love or care about, it can be difficult to imagine our life without that person. Most people strive for longevity in relationships, throwing around words such as "forever" and "always." Although well-intentioned, it's not always realistic.

The truth is because we are in the process of growing as individuals, sometimes we outgrow the relationships we are in (even if it's with people we love). We can be in a committed relationship and still notice that the relationship no longer fulfills our needs, wants or meet our standards like it used to. We may begin to notice that we are becoming different people, or that we are no longer moving in the same direction as our partner.

Although the process of outgrowing our relationship doesn't have to end in the relationship, most of us ignore this reality for so long that it usually does. There is often a lot of guilt that accompanies feeling like we've outgrown our partner, so we pretend it's not happening. We hope that the distance or tension is only temporary and things will naturally fall back into place. But the more we deny this reality, the further apart we may grow. 

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Here are a couple of signs that you may have outgrown your relationship: 

You sense a lack of alignment. The activities and conversations that your significant other wants to have, or that you used to have together, no longer resonate with who you are. You may feel like you are having the same conversations, and that nothing is changing or moving. You may feel like the relationship is not allowing or encouraging you to become who you want to be. And, finally, you may feel pressured to be a previous version of yourself as a way to maintain the homeostasis of the relationship.

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You have different goals. Your vision for the future has changed, and it no longer matches your partner's. As you grow, it wouldn't be unusual to notice that the person or relationship doesn't fit into your life as it did initially. It's a sign you've outgrown the relationship if you don't know how to move forward without compromising who you are. 

You need more. A common feeling you may encounter if you've outgrown your relationship is that you need "more." You may identify needs that the relationship used to fulfill but no longer does. You may feel like you need more out of the relationship than what it's offering. You may feel that staying in the relationship is holding you back from reaching your full potential. 

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You are noticing a pattern. Bad days have become a pattern, and your desire to repeat these patterns is lessening. The way you participated in the relationship no longer works for you or holds very little value. The arrangement of the relationship no longer seems to fit. 

You are drained. Spending time with your significant has become draining or demanding. Instead of feeling like you are in a partnership, you may start feeling like the "parent" or "caretaker" that takes on a disproportionate amount of responsibility. You may feel like you are contributing to their life, but that they are no longer contributing to yours.

You notice a difference in maturity levels. You may begin to notice a discrepancy between your maturity level and your partner's – manifesting in the way you approach responsibility, beliefs, and actions. 

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I am outgrowing my partner, what now? 

The realization we are outgrowing our partner can be really sad, especially if you want to remain in the relationship. If you noticed that you may be outgrowing your partner, it doesn't mean your relationship has to end. If you want to stay in the relationship, here are a few things you can try:

  • Invite them to learn something new with you in an area you are actively trying to grow in.
  • Share with them the shifts you are experiencing and how it's making you feel about the relationship.
  • Be gentle and honest about the areas where you would desire for them to grow. (But don't be forceful. It's up to them to decide if they want to).
  • Have an honest conversation about discrepancies you are seeing and, together, come up with a plan to tackle them. 

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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.