So, you need advice. But are your friends the right people to ask?
It’s common to seek advice before making an important decision. And if you struggle to trust yourself, asking for advice may be a prerequisite to making any decision.
Seeking advice is not something we need to avoid, but knowing when to ask , how to ask and who to ask for advice is important. People’s opinions and suggestions can impact us greatly, so with that in mind, we need to take the process seriously.
Who to ask for advice. It’s pretty normal to seek advice from our peers. Our society is evolving so quickly that we may feel like the only people that understand are the people experiencing things alongside us. This might not be wrong. But we may end up asking advice from those who may not have the answers any more than we do.
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What to consider when asking for advice:
- Does this person have my best interest in mind?
- Does this person understand my situation adequately to offer advice?
- Can this person separate advice they would offer me from the advice they would want to hear for their situation?
- What life experiences would make this person suitable to offer insight?
- Is this person only going to tell me what I want to hear?
- Is there someone more objective (such as a professional) that I can speak with?
- Might the person be triggered by my situation?
Although we are often tempted to seek advice from strangers on the internet or that one friend who already hates our partner , it may be time to understand the limitations of such input. As humans we tend to seek inputs that that will reinforce our beliefs, rather than challenge or broaden them.
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When to ask for advice. It can be helpful to ask for advice once we’ve already spent time thinking about the situation. So many of us are quick to seek the opinions of others in order to avoid having to come up with our own. Advice is always more useful when the person offering it has an understanding of our inner process, understanding and positioning. Requesting advice shouldn't involve asking someone to tell us what to do or think. We should seek guidance and perspective that can help us be the most authentic version of ourselves – not the best version of someone else .
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How to ask for advice. Sometimes we don't want advice; what we are actually seeking is for someone to find a solution or make a decision for us. It’s unfair to place this degree of responsibility on someone. The responsibility for how we live our lives is ultimately ours. We should be seeking perspective, not a way to alleviate accountability.
The advice we receive cannot be the sole blueprint for our existence. This is also something our friends need to understand. I find that a lot of people offering advice may get upset if we don’t follow it. Setting expectations and boundaries around "advice giving" is really important. Having a mutual understanding that the conversation is about exploration and perspective rather than obedience can be really helpful. We can respect someone's advice and still not take it.
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.