Feeling trapped in your relationship? You may have commitment issues

It's not always easy to commit to a relationship, particularly if you have been hurt in the past, don't feel ready or are unsure if the person you're seeing is "right" for you.

Commitment needs to be taken seriously and entered into intentionally, but sometimes it's easy to mistake caution with fear. There are many factors as to why we may be scared of commitment, but the sooner we recognize that it's happening, the more likely we are to prevent our fear from negatively impacting our current or future relationships. 

Here are some signs you might be scared of commitment: 

• You resist being vulnerable: Vulnerability increases intimacy, and intimacy can feel threatening if you do not want to commit to the other person. Why would you want to tie yourself to a sinking ship? It can be helpful to notice how many of your thoughts and feelings you disclose, and how connected you feel to the other person. 
• You look for flaws in your partner. If you are scared of commitment, it can feel easy to find flaws in your partner or find reasons to distance yourself (or even leave). Identifying all the shortcomings of our significant other, or focusing on all their negative actions, can give us a convenient excuse not to commit. This is not to say that your partner won't have flaws, it's just meant to bring to your attention how you acknowledge and relate to those flaws. 
• You are overprotective of your independence. When we are in a relationship, our attention ceases to be solely about us. Many people, particularly those who've sacrificed their independence for a relationship in the past, may feel very protective of it now. Maintaining autonomy is important in any relationship; our sense of self shouldn't be jeopardized for a relationship. However, if we associate  relationships as a threat to who we are, we will naturally fear commitment. 
• You feel trapped by your partner. If you are scared of commitment, you may start to feel trapped or uneasy whenever your partner invests in the relationship. You may feel an increasing sense of obligation, expectation or pressure to stay, which will only make you want to leave more. 
• You are reluctant to make future plans. If you are reluctant to make plans it may be worth exploring why. Do you see a future with this person? Why are you resisting making plans? Are all your answers vague even though you genuinely like spending time with them? 
• You find yourself sabotaging the relationship. It's fairly common for people to sabotage relationships when the dynamic become "too serious." Sabotage allows them to avoid their fears of commitment by jeopardizing  the relationship. Sabotaging relationships can look like picking fights, romanticizing previous partners, being dishonest or setting unrealistic expectations. 

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If you find yourself struggling with commitment, here are a couple of questions to ask yourself:

• Is this a pattern of mine? Or is this something I am feeling only in this relationship?
• Is there a rational or emotional reason why I do not want to commit to this person? 
• Do I want to work through my fear of commitment?

If you want to overcome your fear of commitment...

• Stay rooted in love. Acknowledge that this is a person whom you love and want to spend your time and life with. It can be helpful to make a note for yourself as a reminder (when you forget or start to panic).
• Face your fear. Explore what the fear is rooted in (for example: change, loss, independence, rejection/abandonment, previous wounds). Depending on the relationship, it might be helpful to share your fear with your partner and see how they can support you. Speaking to a therapist can also be beneficial. 
• Find your speed. It's easy to get swept away at the start of any relationship and then try to slow down when the commitment feels sudden or too much. If this is your tendency, try to find a speed that matches your comfort level. It's OK to have to slow things down! If you tend to avoid getting too close to the person altogether, try to find a pace that will allow your relationship and connection to evolve (while still feeling safe and comfortable). 

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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.