Age gaps in relationships can be tough. How to make it work.
Nothing makes eyebrows shoot up as quickly as meeting or hearing about a couple with a significant age gap.
It's a taboo our society hasn't managed to shake just yet. Yes, relationships with an age gap are faced with unique challenges, but it does not mean they can't be healthy. Let's break it down.
Here are some common challenges these relationships face:
Judgmental comments. It's not easy being in a relationship people don't approve of. Even if you are the most confident individual and the relationship feels right, it's difficult facing a constant stream of criticism (or skepticism). Many assumptions are being made about the motivation behind a relationship with an age gap and bets are often placed about its longevity. After a while, these comments can strain the relationship.
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Different life stages: "Age is just a number" is a popular slogan. Although age is, indeed, a number it also represents life experience. Depending on how significant the age gap is, the individuals involved may be in varying life stages. This doesn't have to be an issue, but it can be. Here are some examples of varying life stages: one partner is in school while the other is working full time; one partner is at the peak of their career while the other is entering retirement; one partner is ready to settle down and start planning their future while the other partner is still exploring who they are. Different life stages may mean different priorities, time management and expectations for the relationship.
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Imbalanced power dynamics: Power dynamics are something every couple should be mindful of, but power may be more critical for couples with a significant age gap. The age gap may mean that one individual has had more life experience or financial success. If those involved are not careful, the older partner may be cast as the one who makes all the decisions in the relationship, or they may start acting like a mentor rather a partner. This is not to say we can't learn from our partners, but they should see us an equal they can rely on and share the mental load with.
Relationships moving too fast. If there is an age gap, it's not uncommon for time to become a factor. The one person may be ready for kids or may feel like they're running out of time and must seize life. This may translate moving in together, getting married or having children faster than if the age gap was smaller.
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Sex drive discrepancy. Age can impact one's libido. Difference in age may manifest in difference in sex drive, preferences and performance.
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Difficulty finding a mutual friend group: It can be difficult to find a group of friends with whom both individuals enjoy spending their time or doing activities with.
But, none of these challenges mean that it's impossible to have a healthy relationship with an age gap.
How couples with a big age gap can make it work
Don't pretend that the age gap is not there. It shouldn't be the sole focus of your conversations, but it should be acknowledged. What are your concerns? What should both of you watch out for? How can you support one another?
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Share expectations. What are your expectations from this relationship? How do you expect the relationship to unfold? Who is going to assume the caregiving role first and what will that look like?
Embrace the uncertainty. It's hard to predict what will happen in the future for any relationship, and understanding that there might be obstacles that you are not aware of yet is part of the package. Build a relationship that makes you feel safe to explore the unknown together.
Have your own hobbies and friends. Again, this is important for any relationship, but especially for relationships with age gaps. There may be things you want to experience, but have to come to terms with not experiencing them with your partner. Find people who will fulfill needs your partner can't or doesn't want to.
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.