My partner hates my friends. What should I do?

As an adult, maintaining relationships can be challenging enough without friends disliking our partner or our partner disliking our friends.

Most of us are concerned about our friends not accepting our significant other, but what if our significant other doesn't like our friends?

Let me start by saying that if that happens – it's OK. You may love your friends, but it's unrealistic to expect your partner to like them just as much. Does this complicate social gatherings and scheduling? Maybe. But does it have to be a deal-breaker? No. 

Here are a few things you can do  as you learn to navigate the situation.

Have a chat. Ignoring any problem or concern is seldom helpful. So have a conversation about it. Instead of immediately getting defensive, worried, giving ultimatums or rushing to solutions, get curious, and take time to hear your partner out.

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Here are some questions you can explore:

• Why don't they like your friend(s)?
• How well do they know your friend(s)? 
• Does your partner tend to have strong opinions about people before getting to know them?
• Did your friend(s) hurt or offend your significant other in some way?
• Is your partner feeling triggered?
• Do you act differently when you are around this particular friend/friend group and does it bother your partner?
• Does your partner seem to have issues with many or all of your friends? 
• Is your partner jealous of your friends? If yes, why?
• Is your partner controlling who you spend your time with?
• How is your partner choosing to treat your friend(s)?

It can be helpful to figure out how much of the dislike or tension has to do with your friend (and who they are), and how much is a reflection of your partner or the relationship.

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Consider their point of view. If you've been friends with someone for a long time, you may have gotten used to problematic behaviors or overlooked certain patterns. If your partner has your best interest in mind and brings up concerns about the way you are being treated – or the way a friend is treating others in general – it might be helpful to consider their perspective. When we are close to someone, it can be easy to tolerate behaviors that shouldn't be happening. Maybe your friend often cancels plans last minute or is accessible only when they need something. Maybe they don't respect your boundaries or put you down in public. Maybe they put little effort into the friendship or gossip behind your back. It's sometimes easy to overlook issues when we care about a friend, but our partner may have a more objective perspective. 

Acknowledge a time limit. Perhaps your partner is happy to go out for dinner with your friend but doesn't want to go on a joint summer vacation. Figuring out to what extent your partner is comfortable spending time with your friend is key. Your significant other needs to acknowledge the amount of time you want to spend with your friend may vary from their limit, and spending time with your friend might be something you choose to do independently. Just because they don't like your friend doesn't mean you won't spend any time with them (unless there is a serious concern).

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Set a boundary. Even if your partner doesn't like your friend(s), it can be helpful to set boundaries around how your significant other speaks about them. Ensuring that your friends are always discussed respectfully can be a worthwhile boundary to avoid unnecessary conflict or hurt feelings. There is no reason for your partner to use degrading or disrespectful language when speaking about the people you care about. 

Address the tension. If the dislike is tangible, it might be time to address it head-on with your friend and partner (separately). Sharing your feelings and thoughts can help them become more aware of how their behaviors are impacting you, and how to move forward. Of course, we cannot control or force anyone to get along, but we can suggest some easy ways for them to make peace. Remember, give them some time and an opportunity to change their dynamic.

So, you need advice. But are your friends the right people to ask?

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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.