Leaving your partner for someone else is more about you than them

Have you ever considered leaving your partner for someone else? Maybe it’s a friend that you’re developing feelings for, a co-worker you spend a lot of time with, or your first love has moved back to town. It’s not uncommon for people to get swept up by the promise of something new or “better” and choose to exit their current relationship so they can enter a new one. 

From the outside, it can be easy to judge: “How could they! Where is their loyalty?" Alternatively: “Good for them! Go after what you want!” But it’s always easier to have an opinion when it’s not happening to you.

Leaving a significant other for someone else is less about comparing partners and more about diving into some self-reflection. Why are you thinking of leaving? Is the relationship not going well? Is the other person more compatible? These are the questions only you can answer. That decision will be wrapped up in your beliefs about relationships, commitment, and love. It’s helpful to pay attention to not just your wants, but also your needs, boundaries and values. 

When making any major decision, consider the question: Is this a decision that will help me be the best version of myself? Will this decision – leaving your partner for someone else – serve the authentic me? Ultimately, anything we do should be in alignment with who we are. This way, we are more likely to make decisions that are ‘right’ for us. Dating someone for three months and leaving them for someone else is different than being married for 11 years, having two kids, a mortgage and leaving for a new partner.

Let’s stick to the context of no kids or marriage for now. If you are debating leaving your partner, park your self-judgment and explore the following questions:

Why do I believe this relationship will be different from the one I am  in now?

There is often a hope that when a relationship doesn’t work out, all we need is a new partner. Although sometimes that is true, oftentimes, it's not. Being aware of how we have contributed to the relationship becoming something we no longer want can help us show up differently in our next relationship. Remember: Often for things to be different, we need to do things differently. 

Am I ready to enter a new relationship right away?

You might be infatuated or eager to leap into something fun and exciting, but it can be good to pause and reflect if you are ready. Have you healed from your last relationship? Have you processed what happened? Have you had time to identify all the useful lessons from the experience? I am not advocating for waiting to be “fully healed” to enter a relationship or that there is an objectively “right” time, but the timing needs to work for you. 

What is my motivation for entering this new relationship? 

Ask yourself: Would I have left my relationship even if I had no one else to go to? If the answer is no, the new relationship may be acting as an escape route. Are you starting a new relationship because it gives you an excuse to leave your partner, avoid responsibility, or are you genuinely in love and compatible with this new person?

How can I leave my relationship in a way that respects and honors the time/life we’ve built together?

Leaving a relationship can be hard and messy. But this doesn’t mean we are not responsible for how we decide to leave. Respecting the person and the relationship you have built is important regardless of whether the relationship lasts. Are there commitments you still need to respect even after you break up? Are you honoring them with the truth? How have you spoken to your partner about how you are feeling? 

Is there something missing in my life? 

Many of us try to fill gaps with relationships. This is not uncommon. After all, we are social creatures. But expecting any relationship to meet all our needs, or make our life fulfilling, is unrealistic and unfair. If you are looking for a new partner because you hope that they will make you happy, remember that happiness comes from within. Yes, they might make a better partner, or be more compatible than your current SO, but no relationship will solve all your problems. Instead of seeking a relationship as an answer, first, reflect if is there something you need to be doing/changing to live a life you want. 

Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.