'We were on a break!': Dos and don'ts of pausing a relationship
Have you ever wished you could push pause on your relationship? If you said yes, you’re not alone. With growing popularity, couples have done just that by taking a relationship “break.” So, what does it mean to take a break and when is it a good idea?
We often think of separation as something negative, but relationships need a balance of closeness and distance to nurture their intimacy and connection. Throughout periods of the relationship – or individual growth/change – the couple may need varying degrees of distance in order to sustain the relationship and themselves.
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Each couple chooses their own definition of taking a break, but a common definition is taking time and space apart to gain perspective, work on themselves, and/or reevaluate the relationship. What makes a break “good” or “bad” for the relationship is the way it is executed.
If you’re thinking about going on a break, here are some things to consider:
Communication: “We were on a break!” must be one of the most famous "Friends" quotes. The TV show acts like a cautionary tale for a “break” gone wrong. In real life, it doesn’t always have to be dramatic or enveloped in betrayal. Making sure both people are on the same page is key. Are both individuals aware that it’s happening, when it's starting, what the ground rules are, and what the purpose of the break is? They should be!
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Ground Rules: A break can mean many things. From “let’s just live our own lives and when we are both back at the same geographical location in six months we can reevaluate if we should resume the relationship” to “let’s not talk for the month, but not date or sleep with others.” For some, a break means fully changing the current relationship contract, and for others, it's just distance from each other without changing the rules of the established relationship. It's imperative to be clear about the ground rules of the break!
Timeline: Chat about when the break will officially start and when you want to check in with one another. It's not about hard deadlines, but it's about accountability and open communication. A check-in can sound like "I need more time" "I have decided (on an issue)" or "I don't want to be on this break anymore." A break is not a tool to see if there is something better out there while stringing your partner along. This leads us to the next point.
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Purpose: Why do you want to go on a break? Talk about the reasons why you’ve decided to take a break rather than a breakup. What do you hope to accomplish? How will both of you work toward making that happen? If the purpose of the break is for both of you to work on yourselves, it’s important to take the necessary steps – journaling, reading, therapy, or whatever that may look like. Sometimes we need to break a pattern or habit that we’ve created in the relationship, and a break can be a helpful tool to do so. It can be a relationship reset.
When breaks are a bad idea: If both individuals are not working toward something concrete (even if that’s just clarity), a break might not just be a waste of time, but an opportunity for the couple to grow further apart or hurt each other. If you have found that you’ve broken up and gotten back together several times, a “break” might just be a version of the same pattern. It’s important to ask yourself: Do I want to be with this person or am I just struggling to be without them? It’s not the same thing.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.