My sister-in-law treats our house as an extended-stay hotel, and I just can't do it anymore
Question: "My husband's sisters both live outside the country and want to stay with us every time they come to the States. They want to stay anywhere from two to four weeks and I just can't take it. I am in my 70s and am unable to host people like I used to. As a nice gesture I told them they could stay one week this time and then book a hotel or rental for the additional time. They both have sufficient money to book a hotel or other accommodation but just don't want to spend money on accommodations.
Additionally, the friends they have stayed with in the past have turned them down as they have evidently overstayed their welcome. I am tired of being the maid, the cook, the cleaner, everything when his family asks to stay with us. My husband gives me all kinds of grief for this, and at this point, I think I'd rather divorce him than have to put up with his family, his pouting and retaliation.
I'm married but I feel like a single parent. How can I get my partner to help around the house?
We never ask to stay with them when we go to their destinations! They're laid-back and I guess that's part of the problem – sleeping on the floor is totally acceptable to them. I am a bit more high-maintenance and need my privacy. I like walking around in my underwear and eating breakfast at 11 a.m. They never consult with me about staying in our home. Is offering only one week and not letting them stay for a month wrong?"
Answer: I don't think you're wrong in not wanting guests for a month, and based on their friends turning them down it seems they may not be the easiest of guests to have. I know you state finances are not an issue; however, if they cannot afford to stay or just don't want to "waste money" after the first week of you graciously opening your home, then they may need to reconsider their travel dates and shorten their trip.
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I love using the banana rule for guests: How long can you go before a bushel of bananas turn brown? About a week, right? That’s how long it’s acceptable for guests to stay before they overstay their welcome. I am in my late 20s and I would feel the same way as you, so don't feel like your age is the culprit here. Hosting is not easy. On the surface it may seem like a pain-free process and a nice thing to do, but it’s not that simple. Having someone visit and stay for a few days once in a while is great, but having someone in your space for multiple weeks is exhausting and a lot of work. They’re taking advantage of you and don’t realize the degree to which it compromises your routine and comfort in your own space.
Whenever I host someone, I have a feeling of always needing to be “on” the entire time. And don't get me wrong: Hosting can be great, but that would quickly fade in a situation like yours and when it's such an extended period of time. Does your husband help with anything while they visit, or does all of the extra labor associated with their stay fall on you? It would be one thing if they were not so burdensome and more self-sufficient, but based on your description it sounds as if you are catering to their every need. One option I think you could try is planning a little vacation of your own while they visit. Your husband may reevaluate this whole arrangement when he is the one having to entertain, cook and clean up after them.
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I understand that your husband enjoys hosting or it's important to him that his family always has a place to stay, but he is not considering your feelings. If he is not splitting any of the labor with you, he gets all the benefits of family visiting with none of the work of hosting. The division of household labor is typically uneven in many different-sex households, but when it comes to guests there should be a better division of tasks. I'm far from old-fashioned, though, so I do think labor related to guests should fall more on the partner whose guests they are and not on the person who typically does household chores. This is a home that you and your husband share, and you are not being respected as his partner. It may be time to put your foot down and make your feelings clearer. And, if not, enjoy your vacation while they visit!
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast "Two Hot Takes," in which she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with Paste BN's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.