Making the first move can be scary. How to get over my fear and shoot my shot?
Recently someone from my Instagram community asked me: “How can I get over my fear and shoot my shot?” If you’re not familiar, shooting your shot is a phrase often used to describe trying, putting yourself out there, or pursuing someone regardless if you think you will be successful.
Making the first move is often intimidating, but it can become downright scary if you’re uncertain where the other person stands. The fear doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try, but before trying it might be worth exploring your hesitation.
What are you scared of? Is this the first time you’re putting yourself out there or have you done it before and had a painful or embarrassing experience? It’s important to remember that each person and context is unique. Give people the opportunity to prove you wrong – to show up in a way that they choose to. Is there something from a previous experience that you have learned that can help inform how you shoot your shot this time?
What expectations have you set? Depending on the expectations you’ve set, shooting your shot can feel even scarier. Maybe you've constructed an unrealistic narrative that –before even dating this person – they are going to be your soul mate. Maybe you expect this process to be easy or successful. Are these expectations realistic?
A more realistic expectation (which will depend on the context and how well you know the person) can sound like this:
• I will do my best to be honest about how I feel and what I want.
• I won’t know how they will respond until they do.
• I don’t actually know if this person is “the one” but I would like to find out.
Hoping a celebrity will leave their partner because of a particularly funny DM may not be realistic – or appropriate.
What are we?: Are we dating or just friends with benefits? Do I need to label my relationship?
More: What to do if you and your partner have different love languages
What do you have to offer? The answer: a lot. If your insecurity or shyness is preventing you from putting yourself out there, take a moment to remind yourself of all your wonderful qualities! Confidence is not just helpful in building your courage, but it’s also an attractive quality.
What would be the impact of such a rejection? Let’s say that you did get rejected or ignored, would you be able to handle it? Make sure that you’re not in a vulnerable state that an experience like this could have a lasting or negative impact. Can you handle the risk that comes with this opportunity? If not, it might be more important to take care of yourself than try and win someone else.
Rejected?: The person I was dating disappeared. How to get over being ghosted.
If you are ready to "shoot your shot" here are a couple of things to consider:
How would you like to approach them? Will you slide into their DMs, or is this a cute person that comes to the same coffee shop that you want to approach in real life? Would sending them a funny meme or paying for their coffee order be your ideal first impression?
Be yourself. There is a lot of advice out there encouraging us to investigate the person’s interests and hobbies, and "casually" drop them into our message or conversation to establish compatibility, but unless you want to keep pretending to like these things, I d suggest not leading with that. Lead with whatever about your stands out – your humor, wit, thoughtfulness. If you do have things in common, mention it, but don’t feel pressure to prove your compatibility.
Ask open-ended questions. Yes, the person you are approaching obviously wants to know more about who is approaching them (so share information about yourself, but make sure the conversation flows and allows them to share who they are. Being open and curious can give them an easy way to engage!
Have fun with it!
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.