If you keep dating the wrong person, it's time to look at yourself.
Many are familiar with the movie trope where a girl’s best friend is a kind, loving guy, but she doesn’t notice him and instead keeps going for the “bad boys” who repeatedly break her heart. Until, one day, she sees that the guy she was meant to be with was right in front of her all along.
So, how realistic is this scenario? Depends on which part. The chances of one of your friends being your soul mate might not be as high as the possibility of you continuing to date the wrong people if you don't make some changes.
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It’s not uncommon to meet a perfectly lovely person who is kind, funny, works hard and has compatible goals, and not like them. Maybe they were not a good fit, but maybe there is something else going on. If you find yourself repeating the pattern of dating people who are not “good” for you, consider this:
What was your upbringing like? I know it can be frustrating to trace things back to our childhood, but the lessons we learned about love early on may be still guiding our romantic relationships. Did your parents teach you – by words or actions – that love is painful, scary, and something we need to earn? It can be helpful for us to think about the beliefs we hold since, chances are, they dictate what we seek. The familiar is often what we consider safe, and this is why many of us avoid the unknown (even if it's a healthier option).
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Do you want to succeed? You may have a knee-jerk reaction to say yes, but are you playing it safe? Some of us date people who we don't see a future with because we don't want to get hurt. Maybe we don’t want to invest too much, and the only people who will accept this lack of effort are people who are not “good” for us, or people who offer the same amount of effort in return. Some of us don’t feel ready to succeed (or don't feel like we can), so we choose people who reflect that belief.
What do you believe you deserve? Do you deserve someone who respects your options and boundaries, embraces your authenticity, laughs at your silly jokes, and apologizes when they are wrong? Or does the picture of what you deserve look more like this: They give you only enough to keep me going, they place the responsibility solely on you, or they make you feel insecure and uncertain about where you stand in the relationship? Think about what you believe you deserve (because that is what you will settle for). If you’ve been in a relationship where someone told you that you didn’t deserve much, they are wrong!
What role do you want in a relationship? Maybe you don’t feel like dating people who are good for you because you don’t feel like they need you. Sometimes, when we don't feel "useful," we can start to feel insecure. Being in a relationship where we are needed gives us a sense of security that they won't leave us; this mindset is often driven by our fear of rejection or abandonment.
Are you dating people for their potential? Some of us are likely to date people for their potential. We see how “great” they can become and the possibility of getting them to that point seems like a thrilling challenge. Again, there is nothing wrong with seeing each other’s potential, but we can’t base our entire relationship on it. Ask yourself: if they didn’t change, would you be happy?
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So, what can help us choose people who are “good” for us?
- Examine your dating pattern and relationship beliefs.
- Try going on dates with people who are not your “type” and see how it feels.
- Write a list of red flags or deal breakers before going on a date.
- Get your friends or mentors involved – ask for their guidance and use them as accountability buddies.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.