How to know if your partner might be gaslighting you. Phrases and words to pay attention to
Have you ever had a conversation with your significant other when you recall the same event differently? Maybe it’s a conversation about your first kiss or about who said they would take out the trash, regardless of the context, you can’t seem to agree on what happened. You may even say (or hear them say) something like “no, that’s not how that happened! Here is what happened…”
So, is this gaslighting? Not necessarily.
Couples are faced with having to reconcile varying experiences and perceptions all the time. However, depending on the context and intention behind the argument, it could be gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to get someone to question their memories, sanity, or sense of reality. Gaslighting doesn’t just happen in relation to big events or issues, it can occur over little things as a way to plant self-doubt and shift the power dynamic.
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In a healthy relationship, we want to make sure that there is space for both person's experiences, thoughts, feelings and perspectives. It's less about being right and wrong, and more about honoring both people in a way they show up. This is not the case in gaslighting dynamics. On the contrary, you may feel like there isn't much space for you, you may notice that you start to question yourself and your experiences, you struggle to make decisions, you feel confused or even crazy, and you can sense something is wrong but you can't pinpoint what it is. (It’s important to note that gaslighting doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships, even though that's the dynamic I will focus on in this article).
How to know if your partner might be gaslighting you?
- They lie to you
- They deny their actions or words (even when there is proof)
- They project their struggles and issues on you
- They use people closest to you, against you
- They dismiss your feelings or thoughts
- They call you “crazy” or “unstable”
- They self-victimize when criticized
- They constantly correct what you say
- They label you as too sensitive, reactive, or dramatic
- They only acknowledge their needs as being valid
- They try to convince you that everyone else is lying to you
- Their words are inconsistent with their actions
- They use intervals of positive reinforcement to prevent you from leaving
If you're feeling worried that you are being gaslit, pay attention to the vocabulary they use. Some common phrases are:
“You’re imagining things”
“That didn’t happen”
“You sound crazy”
“I didn't say that!”
“You’re overreacting”
“You’re trying to see a problem or pattern that doesn’t exist”
“Nobody takes you seriously”
So what can you do if you suspect you’re being gaslit?
Keep track. It might sound tedious, but it could help to write down your conversations, thoughts and feelings. This will not only help you stay grounded in your reality, but it can also help you notice when your reality is being denied.
Ask for help. Tell someone you trust that you are worried about being gaslit. Your support system can help you stay grounded in your reality, and help you watch out for signs. Sometimes we are so close to the person and the situation that it's difficult to gain perspective.
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Give yourself permission. Permit yourself to embrace your thoughts, values, feelings and perceptions (even if the other person doesn’t). Give yourself permission to leave a relationship that no longer aligns with you or is harming you. You can value certain qualities of your partner and the relationship, and still allow yourself to step away from all the "good" if the relationship is negatively impacting your well-being and mental health.
Give yourself permission to take care of yourself and to want something better for your future – you deserve it.
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.