My narcissistic mom hates my husband, but wants to be our real estate agent. Help!

Question: "My mom and I have had a rocky relationship in the past, but it came to a head when my mom moved in with my husband and I a few years ago. She lost her job shortly after moving in, and stopped paying her rent but continued to go out with friends, travel, and get packages. When confronted, things didn't go well. After several explosive fights we finally asked her to leave. Everything was blamed on my husband because, according to her, he changed me when I married him. Therapy helped me learn that I've been suffering from narcissistic abuse and I now understand the boundaries needed to protect myself.  

What is a narcissist? Narcissistic personality disorder explained.

We didn't have much contact with her after her eviction, but she pushed to see us soon after I gave birth to our first daughter. We were in this weird limbo where she pretended nothing happened, except she acted like my husband was invisible. This led to awkward visits and eventually we just stopped inviting her over. During this time, she got into the real estate business. We decided to sell our house and buy another, but went with another agent as I didn't really feel comfortable having my house sold by someone who acted as if my husband wasn't alive. I found out shortly after the sale that she had calculated exactly how much she would have made if we had hired her and was telling family members (mainly my siblings) that I had cheated her out of thousands of dollars. This didn't go over well.

My mother-in-law is toxic: Am I wrong for cutting her out of my life?

Now, my husband and I are ready to find a home in the country and things with my mom have slightly improved. It has been mentioned in passing that we may soon be selling again, and my mom automatically assumed that she would be our agent. I didn't have the guts to correct her and tell her we plan on using the same agent as last time. I know it won't go over well, but I don't feel comfortable using her when she still can't talk to my husband, and she fixated on how much money she felt we cheated her out of last time. Am I wrong for not using my mom as my real estate agent?"

Answer: Let me just say I am so happy you’ve been making such great progress in therapy, and have been able to set boundaries with your mom in recent circumstances. It can take a lot to even pursue therapy, but understanding more about the people that disrupt us can be so helpful.

You’re not wrong for refusing to use your mom as your realtor, especially because of the way she still treats your husband. I’m sure you understand your mom well after 26 years, so trust your gut that it would not go well. So now the tough conversation. This is unfortunately unavoidable, but hopefully getting ahead of it ensures you have the healthiest relationship possible going forward. 

Advice: Am I wrong for choosing my boyfriend over my toxic family?

I highly recommend asking your therapist for some specific techniques or help roleplaying the conversation. However, if you’re caught in a pinch, the compliment sandwich is a technique I like to use. This helps avoid direct confrontation or criticism and can prevent your mom from feeling attacked or getting defensive.

The compliment sandwich works by starting and ending the conversation with positive remarks. An example could be, “Mom I know you’re an amazing realtor, but I think it would be better for our relationship if we used our previous realtor. I know you're going to have continued success though because you're so good.” Hopefully, she handles this in a mature, positive way, but there’s a chance that no matter what you say or how much you boost her ego she’s not going to take it well. 

What can I do? My ex-wife's petty behavior has caused our son emotional distress.

If your mom doesn't handle this conversation well, I would just try to reaffirm your boundary and not accept any harmful behaviors. If your mom tries to manipulate you, becomes verbally or emotionally abusive, try to disengage yourself from the situation as soon as possible. There are a multitude of reasons your mom could react negatively, such as low self-esteem or need for approval, but just know it’s about her, not you. Congratulations on your upcoming move! I’m sure your realtor will help you find the perfect home in the country. 

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with Paste BN's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.