My best friend cheated on her boyfriend with the guy I like. Help!

Question: "I am currently in my intern year of medical school. A few days ago, I had my first golden weekend in five months, meaning I had the whole weekend free, and my best friend "Stephanie" (not her real name) and her boyfriend "Tom" invited me to a party at Tom's apartment.

I met a guy, let's call him Garrett, and we got along really well. He asked to kiss me, and I said yes. After a moment, Stephanie interrupted us and took me aside. She then told me that Garrett was unavailable, but when I asked if he had a girlfriend (he had told me he did not) she said no. The issue, she explained, was she had cheated on Tom with Garrett, and it made her jealous to see me with him. She told me I couldn't do that to her. 

The rest of the evening she sat between us. When he asked to talk to me, she came up with an excuse and took me away. After we left, Garrett asked Tom for my phone number, but Stephanie told him not to give it to him. (The reason I know this is because Tom texted me to ask me if he could give it to Garrett, and before I responded he said, “Never mind Stephanie said you aren't interested.") 

My boyfriend is constantly talking to another woman: Has he crossed the line?

Now for my problem, I would love to get to know this guy, and I could contact him on social media. On the one hand, I don't want to have a fight with my best friend of 15 years over a guy, especially someone I am just getting to know. On the other hand, I don't think it's fair that she is telling me not to date him. Also, I am worried that if we have a fight about this Tom is going to end up finding out about the cheating, and while I think Stephanie should tell Tom the truth, I don't want to be involved.

This is also not the first time that Stephanie has cheated on Tom. They have been together for a little over five years and this is a pattern. And Garrett is not the first guy she has asked me to not to date because she's interested, and I always back off. So, what should I do?"

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Answer: "I’m having a hard time understanding why Stephanie is in a relationship with Tom if she is going to continuously cheat on him, but regardless she should not be dictating who is off limits for you.

The only person she should be concerned about is her partner of five years, and the fact that this isn’t the first time she has called dibs on someone and pressured you to steer clear is ridiculous. This isn’t like calling a specific seat for a road trip. Humans are complex, and in my experience, calling dibs for dating someone never works.

Also the rules of not dating your friends' exes doesn't apply here since Stephanie was cheating with these guys. She may be dealing with some insecurities of her own and seeking out assurance with these affairs, but regardless she’s being unreasonable, and I would say she’s being a bad friend. 

Despite 15 years of friendship, Stephanie is not treating you with the same level of respect you give her. It seems like she’s competing with you and actively sabotaging your chance with certain men, despite already being in a relationship. You mention other instances where she’s told you who you can’t date, but does this come out in other areas of your friendship too? The length of your friendship does have a lot of weight, but I don’t know if I would want to continue the same relationship with a friend if they routinely thwarted my attempts to be happy and always expected me to fall in line with their orders. In my eyes this isn’t really about you being able to date Garrett specifically, but more about the principle of having a friend that thinks she’s able to dictate your choices.

You have a couple options for moving forward. Option one is to move on from Garrett and date someone else. Option two and what I consider the healthier choice: You can sit down with Stephanie and have a serious conversation about your friendship, how she’s treated you and how you’re not going to let a woman who’s in a relationship control what dates you go on. I know you are concerned about Tom finding out, but honestly it’s time he does. He doesn't deserve to be cheated on, so if this was my friend, I’d tell her I’m done lying for her as well. Have a talk with her, and live your life. 

I hope this helps, 

Morgan

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with Paste BN's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.

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