'I'm really concerned about my aunt.' What should I do?
Question: “I’m really concerned about my aunt.
She has always been a bit of a flake, and a free spirit. For example, she would often cancel plans at the last minute with a lame excuse, but she would always make up for it in the end by meeting at a later date. This all changed about three years ago, and it’s only getting worse.
At first, she stopped rescheduling plans with my mother. My mom just let it go. But then, we found out she was doing the same thing with her friends, which is extremely out of character. She’s always had a tight-knit group of girlfriends, who have remained close ever since they were teenagers. And now, she’s flaking on her kids, who are both in their 20s. She barely reaches out to them, let alone answers their messages. One of my cousins recently moved to France, and my aunt said she’d go visit, made plans and canceled at the last minute. When my cousin visited home a couple of weeks ago, my aunt canceled plans to get together, leaving my cousin completely gutted.
My partner's biological dad is a constant disapointment: Can we give up on him?
What’s more, my aunt recently asked my oldest cousin for money. I find this extremely alarming. Why didn’t she come to my mother, who has a stable income, instead of asking her child who is a college student? She also supposedly couldn’t buy something my grandmother needed because she said she no longer has a credit card, which really worried me. My aunt has apparently always been terrible with money, but this is just out of hand.
I feel like she’s hiding something. At first, I thought it might be depression, but now I’m worried it’s substance abuse or something else. How can we figure out what is going on so we can help her? I would really appreciate any advice on how to proceed.”
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Answer: It definitely sounds like your aunt is going through something serious right now. Whether its depression, substance abuse or financial distress you can only do so much if a loved one is not opening up on their own. I highly recommend encouraging someone close with your aunt to have an intimate conversation with her to see what's really going on. If she won't meet in person, what about a phone call? Or a FaceTime? While I'm not a mental health therapist, I think this is a good first step in getting more of the story.
There are also a few things you can do for your aunt, regardless of what she is going through: offer support and encourage treatment if needed.
What you share paints such a scary picture of someone shutting themselves out from their world and vibrant life. Your aunt could be extremely embarrassed about what she's going through, and the way she asked her child for support versus a sibling or another family member further indicates that. You could try to schedule some one-on-one time with your aunt or encourage your mom to, as well. Again, even a phone call could work if she cancels in-person plans.
Connection is so important and research shows it's a core psychological need and can reduce anxiety and depression. There are many warning signs for depression and suicide risk, so having those in mind is also good. We know sometimes even the happiest of people are suffering inside and there's nothing family can do. However, you are already looking out for your aunt and asking the hard questions like "what can we do?" Additional support can be found at the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Hope this helps guide you in the right direction,
Morgan
*If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States by texting 988 or calling 800-273-TALK (8255).
Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with Paste BN's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.