My husband seems to love video games more than he loves me. Should I leave?

Question: “I need third-party advice how I should carry on with my marriage. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for a few months now.

I'm 26, and he's 28. From the get-go I understood gaming was his hobby. However, his gaming habit has recently caused a rift in our relationship. Because of his constant gaming, I must pick up the slack. I feel like his mother.

For example, when he’s gaming and I need him to help with dinner or to take out the trash, he only helps when his games allow it. It’s become such a nuisance.

We’ve had many conversations about his gaming, and we’ve come to an arrangement that he should spend two days in the week off his computer. Therefore, he plays games five out of seven days a week. This arrangement satisfied me for a while, but he’s still shirking his responsibilities as a partner. Recently, I’ve been feeling alone, depressed and sad. I’ve been seriously contemplating leaving.

Hmm: I want my dad at my wedding but not my stepmom. Do I really have to invite her?

My husband is the type to coast in life, and he has no ambitions, plans, goals or anything of that sort. I am not that way. I’m outgoing. I want to open my own business, which he has told me wants to no part of. I have a career plan that I’m working on, and I’m in school. I fear we’re just not cut out for each other, and I’m disappointed it took me this long to realize that his gaming was going to cause such a huge issue in our marriage.

Help, I'm in a sexless marriage: 'I've thought about leaving a million times but I'm still here'

I’ve cried many times feeling like he doesn’t take me seriously or prioritize our marriage. We recently had another conversation, and it went nowhere. Should I give him an ultimatum? Or should I leave and find someone else who is husband material.”

Answer: It sounds like you're having a trying first year of marriage which isn't unusual for a lot of couples. The first year of marriage can sometimes be the hardest because you're faced with new roles, complex dynamics and different expectations. You've been with your partner for 10 years though, and you married him for a reason so try to get back to that. I highly recommend working with a qualified therapist and pursing some couples therapy. While his video games may seem like the problem, it sounds more like you have more of a breakdown in communication and respect. 

If you didn't live together prior to marriage, he may have assumed that you'd be more of a homemaker and he gets off scot free. Despite communicating that's not the role you signed up for, he's not receiving that information or making any change to fulfill his duties. I recommend reading the book "Fair Play" by Eve Rodsky and playing the associated game with your partner. This game has you sort all the responsibilities of life and if you end up taking more of the cards, he may begin to see how unbalanced your "partnership" has become. This game is described as a "system for couples seeking balance, efficiency and peace in their home" which sounds exactly what you're looking for. In the meantime, stop picking up his slack – no more doing his laundry, all of his dishes, etc. While, yes, sometimes marriage will have you doing more, he's now taking advantage and it isn't healthy to feel like his mom rather than his wife. 

Interesting: My friend sex-shamed me. Do I have to include her in my wedding?

If couples counseling or continued communication doesn't work, then you'll have to make a decision that's right for you. It sounds like you have some great aspirations with owning your own business and if you don't have a partner who's equally as driven that can be frustrating. It doesn't sound like you'll get caught in the sunken cost fallacy that many people fall victim to, where you stay because you've already invested so much time. At the end of the day, trust your gut and your feelings but I wouldn't quit before putting in the necessary effort to see your marriage out. 

Hope this helps you move forward.

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with Paste BN's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.