Narcissists use 'baiting' to convince you that you're the problem. What is it?

Even after a narcissist discards you, the chaos isn't always over. Oftentimes, they'll continue taunting their victims with "baiting."

As the name implies, this manipulation strategy involves deliberately provoking or triggering victims in an attempt to elicit an emotional response. Whether the reaction is positive or negative doesn't matter: Narcissists thrive off attention, and experts warn baiting is a "powerful tool" in maintaining control and superiority over the relationship – even after it's ended.

"When you disengage from the narcissist, you're not giving them supply anymore. So how does the narcissist get someone to reengage with them? They will bait," says Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author of "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"  "They're looking for a fight. They're looking to poke you about something you care about or are sensitive about."

But once the person emotionally responds to the narcissist's baiting, they'll shift blame, making the other person "the problem."

"It's a power play, form of regulation. It's an entry point into gaslighting," Durvasula says, warning that while baiting can be annoying, it can become a dangerous precursor to narcissistic and emotional abuse.

"The narcissist's goal is to gain power and control, so when they are pulling you into conflict or circular arguments that go nowhere to get a big emotional response, this is often the beginning of the cycle of narcissistic abuse," says Leslie Miller, a licensed independent clinical social worker specializing in therapy for adult children of narcissistic parents and families.

As a result, it can leave victims feeling "devastated" and "confused about their reality and self-worth."

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Insults, intimidation and gaslighting: How the narcissist will 'bait' you

There are many different ways a narcissist will subtly bait their victims. They may insult somebody they know the person cares about. They may make inflammatory, false accusations about you.

Common examples of baiting include:

• Overt insults: This can include mocking, taunting and ridiculing with offensive jibes. 
• Guilt-tripping: They may play the victim, such as blaming others for their own unhappiness, to elicit a response.
• Intimidation and threats: Provoking fear or anxiety is a form of emotional blackmail to keep the recipient compliant. For instance, they may threaten to publicly expose secrets, vulnerabilities or insecurities. 
• Triangulation: Sometimes they will denigrate the victim to their loved ones and leverage a smear campaign to convince others that the victim is the problem. 
• Gaslighting: People may question their sense of reality when a narcissist outwardly denies the baiting, such as flipping the script and saying: "See? You always react negatively."

Ultimately, the goal is to use confrontation, harassment and manipulation to draw the victim back in.

"They'll escalate the baiting to get a rise out of the other person, and in a way, get their power back by saying, 'Oh, I can get this reaction out of them if I need to,'" Durvasula says. 

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Why narcissists 'bait' their victims

While most people are wired to avoid conflict, narcissists thrive in these situations, experts say. 

This is because baiting is all about "gratification, dominance and control." Narcissists provoke arguments and exploit chaos to get the victim to do what they want, and seeing them unhinged or agitated enforces the power they hold in the relationship.

"They're really good at arguing. They enjoy it. Conflict doesn't scare them, because ultimately they're a winner in the argument," Durvasula says. "So that opportunity to dominate, to 'win,' is really important to them. It's a very common, narcissistic dynamic."

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What should you do when a narcissist is 'baiting' you? 

There's only so much a person can tolerate when they're being baited with insults and provoking statements, which can lead to long-lasting mental health consequences.

"When you're living under constant tension and conflict, it becomes your new normal," Durvasula says. Consequently, the stress "does take a toll, and the receiver will be left feeling lost. They can't sleep. They're distracted from work."

Miller adds that baiting can also feel like a "personal violation" and deteriorate your self-esteem when a formerly trusted person "takes personal, vulnerable, private information and use it against you."

The instinct, when being baited or provoked, is often to respond with anger and frustration. But experts advise refraining from giving them the emotional response they're craving. 

"The bigger the emotional response and the more frustration they can elicit from you, the more control they're able to gain over you," Miller says. Instead, recognize what baiting is when it's happening, and mindfully use techniques like gray rocking, or setting boundaries by boring the narcissist.

"Choose a neutral response. Something that isn't emotional, something that will get you out of that circular argument that is meant to exhaust you," Miller advises. "Your goal needs to be prioritizing your emotional safety and distancing yourself from these narcissistic dynamics … meant to attack your self-worth."

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