My partner won't post about me on social media. Is that a bad sign?
We all have different ways of measuring how much our partner likes us. For some, it's about how often they want to have sex, if they buy us flowers, if they introduce us to family and friends or if they remember anniversaries. And let’s not forget that for many people it's whether (or how often) their partner has posted about them on social media.
Social media has not just become a way to spend our free time, find the best restaurants in town or learn about house organization hacks –– people have started to treat it as a sign of their partner's love.
Why do you care about what your partner posts on Instagram, social media?
If posting about your significant other on social means a lot to you, it's important to remember that not everyone will place the same significance on posts as you do. With that in mind, examine why your partner's lack of posts bothers you:
- Does it make the relationship feel less official or reciprocal?
- Were you hoping their posts or stories would make their ex back off?
- Maybe you want your friends to stop asking why they never post about you.
What is the reason you want to be on their social media? Be honest with yourself. (There is no wrong answer.)
If you do care that your partner is not posting about you, keep reading.
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Most of us have –– at some point or another –– done a deep dive through our partner’s social and noticed whenever they posted about their previous relationship (how frequently, what kind of pictures and, obviously, the comments). And now, to our detriment, we are comparing our relationship to the one they had with someone else. Some of us might also be comparing how much our ex used to post about us. None of this is terribly helpful. What is helpful is understanding what meaning you have attributed to social media.
What your partner's lack of social media posts mean
Our insecurities may make us feel like:
- They are embarrassed by us.
- They don’t like us very much.
- They don’t think the relationship will last.
- They are hung up on their ex.
- They want to appear single.
While any of those reasons could be why they are not positing about you, there could be other explanations. Such as:
- They are not very active on social media.
- They have set boundaries about their privacy.
- They’ve had drama or hurt caused by posting about relationships in the past.
- They are trying to protect you from trolls.
- Agents or managers have instructed them to keep the relationship on the down low (depending on their type of work).
- They are not ready to post.
- They know you are selective about what pictures you like and are airing on the side of caution.
- They don’t know how you feel about being on their social media – you’ve never had a candid conversation about it.
Have a conversation with the person you're dating
Regardless of their reason, it's crucial to have a conversation and clarify.
If you feel stuck and don’t know how to bring up the topic, here are some helpful tips to consider:
- Share what you have noticed (example: they don’t post or do so infrequently).
- Share how it makes you feel (sad, worried, like they are hiding you, etc.).
- Share why it makes you feel that way. (Maybe your ex never posted about you and was having an affair, etc.)
- Be curious about what they have to say. Really listen. It’s not about convincing them to post, it’s about understanding their point of view.
- Talk about social media expectations and boundaries. (“I want to make our engagement announcement on Instagram” or “It would mean a lot to me if you posted about me on my birthday” or “I really don’t feel comfortable when you post pictures of our dates.)
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
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