Relationship advice: How to handle wanting different things in the bedroom
When it comes to sexual desires, every individual has preferences and interests. It's not uncommon for couples to have differing sexual wants and needs, but it's crucial for the well-being of the relationship for couples to find a way to handle these differences respectfully.
If these discrepancies are ignored, several issues may arise:
Tension and conflict: If one partner wants to engage in sexual activities that the other is disinterested in or uncomfortable with, it can lead to arguments, hurt feelings and a communication breakdown.
Frustration and dissatisfaction: If one or both partners’ sexual desires are not being met, they may eventually feel resentful or frustrated; experiencing the relationship as something that limits their self-expression or pleasure.
Cheating or infidelity: If one or both partners is not getting their sexual needs met within the relationship, they may be more likely to seek “fulfillment” or pleasure in ways that are disrespectful and outside the agreed-upon boundaries of the relationship.
Emotional distance: Unaddressed differences in preference can lead to emotional distance between partners. If one partner feels rejected or judged for their desires, they may become emotionally distant or withdraw from the relationship altogether.
Low self-esteem: If a partner feels that their sexual desires are not being validated or accepted, it can lead to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in the relationship. This can hurt both partners and the overall health of the relationship.
Tips for addressing sexual desires in a relationship:
To maintain a healthy relationship while navigating wanting different things in the bedroom, consider the following:
- Communicate: Our partners can’t meet our needs unless they know what they are. The first step is to have an honest conversation. It may be uncomfortable initially, but an open and vulnerable dialogue can help a couple understand each other's preferences and explore possible ways to fulfill them as a team.
- Find common ground: Even if you have differing sexual interests, there may be areas of overlap that you can explore together. Finding overlaps can help both feel satisfied, fulfilled and cared for.
- Take it slow: If one partner is hesitant or uncomfortable with exploring certain sexual activities, taking things at a pace that feels comfortable for them is important. Rushing into things can cause unnecessary tension, lessen safety and damage the relationship.
- Respect boundaries: It's important to respect each other's boundaries and not pressure your partner into doing something they're uncomfortable with. Consent and respect are crucial components of a healthy sexual relationship, and it's important to prioritize comfort and safety above personal desires.
- Focus on intimacy: While sexual desire is a critical aspect of many romantic relationships, it's not the only factor. Focusing on intimacy and emotional connection can help bridge the gap between mismatched sexual desires. Engaging in cuddling, kissing and holding hands can strengthen the emotional bond between partners and help them feel more connected, even if their sexual desires are different.
- Seek professional help: If the issue persists and is causing significant stress or tension in the relationship, it may be helpful to seek the assistance of a sex therapist or counselor.
- Consider alternative options: If finding common ground or compromising is not possible, explore alternative options such as an open relationship or consensual non-monogamy. However, it's essential to approach these options with understanding, transparency and consent, and only pursue them if both partners are genuinely comfortable with the arrangement.
Questions to ask your partner as you navigate each other's sexual desires:
- What are your boundaries and comfort levels around sexual activities?
- Are there any sexual activities or fantasies that we can explore together?
- How can we maintain emotional intimacy despite our differing sexual desires?
By approaching discrepancies with patience, understanding and a willingness to explore different solutions, couples can find a way to honor each other's desires while maintaining safety, respect and connection.
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.