How to stop jealousy from destroying your relationship

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Do you ever feel jealous? Yes? That’s totally normal! Although there seems to be a stigma around jealousy that makes people feel bad or uncomfortable about having this common human emotion, it’s helpful to remember that it’s a response to the threat of losing a valued relationship or person to someone else.

And yet just because it's normal to feel pangs of jealousy, it's essential to acknowledge that it can become a destructive force in any relationship if left unaddressed. Jealousy can lead to feelings of insecurity, mistrust, anger, misunderstanding and an overall increase in tension in a relationship.

It’s important to recognize jealousy for what it is and take steps to address it before it becomes a problem. If you find yourself feeling jealous, here are some things to consider doing:

Identify the root cause of your jealousy

Jealousy can stem from various sources, including past relationships, insecurities and fear of abandonment. Another reason we may feel jealous is that our partner's behavior shows us that they are interested in someone else or that another person threatens the relationship. It's not always "in our head," but we must be careful not to read into things or project.

Identifying the root cause of your jealousy can help you address it effectively. Are you triggered and need to work on healing an old wound? Is there a behavior that your partner needs to stop doing?

Communicate openly and honestly with your partner

It's crucial to communicate with your partner about your feelings. Let them know that you're struggling with jealousy and explain why. Avoid blaming or accusing them of wrongdoing. Instead, focus on your emotions and how you want to address them together. Remember, feeling jealous is nothing we need to apologize for but we do need to ensure that our actions are still respectful and authentic.

Work on your relationship with yourself

One might think that if they're jealous, they should work on their relationship with their partner. And although that might be true, sometimes it’s our own self-relationship that needs more attention. Jealousy often stems from insecurity and self-doubt. Taking care of ourselves and nurturing our self-esteem can help us feel more secure and confident in our relationships. Take time to do things that make you feel good about yourself, such as exercising, practicing mindfulness or pursuing a hobby.

Focus on your relationship's positive aspects

When we're feeling jealous, it's easy to focus on negative thoughts and feelings or only pick up on actions or "signs" that reinforce our suspicions. Instead, try to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. Reflect on why you fell in love with your partner and what you appreciate about them. Try to acknowledge all the ways in which they display their commitment, loyalty and love.

Set healthy boundaries

If you feel that your partner's behavior is triggering your jealousy, setting healthy boundaries is helpful. Let your partner know what behaviors are causing you distress, and work together to find a solution that aligns with both.

Ask for validation

Asking your partner for extra validation is OK! Explain how you feel and what actions or words would help you work through your jealousy. Additional validation may not be a permanent solution, but it can be a collaborative way to deal with sporadic moments of jealousy.

Seek professional help if necessary

If you're struggling with jealousy and can't address it on your own, seeking professional help can be beneficial. A therapist or counselor can help you explore your emotions and develop coping strategies that work for you.

Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.