Is estrangement a form of abuse? It depends, experts say.
Abuse is pain.
Pain that one person inflicts upon another.
And that pain stings even more when it’s from someone you love. Someone you trust.
Leanna Stockard, a licensed marriage and family therapist at LifeStance Health, says that abuse in a relationship does not always look the same. There are a few different types of abuse, but Stockard says, “Overall, abuse is motivated by the need for power and control of one partner over the other.”
One way some abusers exert their power over their partner is through estrangement. The American Psychological Association defines estrangement as, “A significant decrease or discontinuation of contact with individuals with whom one formerly had close relationships, such as a spouse or family member, due to apathy or antagonism.”
In other words, it’s “ghosting.”
What is the psychology of estrangement?
Whether or not an estrangement is a form of abuse depends on the context and the motivations behind it. “There are times when a person may become estranged from another person or their family due to self-care purposes and need to protect their own mental health,” Stockard explains. “However, if estrangement is done as a form of emotional or mental manipulation and/or control, and not for these self-care purposes, it can most certainly be a form of abuse,” she adds.
What does estrangement look like?
Had a bad first date and want to “ghost?” That's rude, but estrangement within an established relationship is different.
Stockard outlines the motivations for this kind of abuse, “Estrangement as a form of abuse can look like the silent treatment for days/weeks on end, leaving the residence and not letting you know where they are for days/weeks or completely pulling themselves away emotionally from you as a form of 'punishment' for something they claim you have done. The motivation behind abusive estrangement is to make the victim feel anxious and/or guilty for what has happened in the relationship, and for the victim to take responsibility for something they’re not necessarily to blame for.”
What to know about abusive relationships
Stockard has several suggestions for people who may be seeking help with coping with an abusive relationship:
- Reach out to your support systems. “These folks in your life can also help by providing an outside perspective by either seeing your relationship with a new lens, or by providing insight based on their own life experiences that are relevant to yours,” says Stockard.
- Call an anonymous hotline. Stockard shares, “If you feel uncomfortable, or cannot reach out to trusted family and friends, there are multiple anonymous hotlines you can contact for resources such as the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and the National Sexual Assault Hotline. There are also multiple local domestic violence organizations you can go to or contact if you are feeling unsafe in your home. These resources can help you create a safety plan to leave your current relationship in a safe way.”
- Seek advice from a therapist or counselor who specializes in abuse in relationships. Stockard says that a therapist may be able to help you work through the emotions that you’re feeling, and can help you build back confidence and self-esteem that may have been lost because of the abusive relationship. Additionally, they can help you develop a safety plan to help you leave the relationship.
If you or someone you know are experiencing domestic violence, call or chat with the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233. For assistance with sexual assault, contact the RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) at 800-656-4673.
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