Friendship anxiety is a real problem for a lot of people. What to do about it.
Friendships are important, and friendships are not always anxiety- or drama-free. Although friendships may not have the same layers and complexities of a romantic dynamic, there is still a lot to navigate. Do you ever get nervous before hanging out with your friends? Do you ever read into their silence or jokes and convince yourself they hate you? Do you often spend time replaying conversations from the day before, worrying that you said something wrong or ruined a specific friendship?
This type of internal narrative and worry that can feel isolating and make it difficult to form and maintain relationships. Feelings of unease and nervousness can taint the whole dynamic (either in the moment or retrospectively).
What friendship anxiety looks like
Here are some ways anxiety about friendships manifests:
You cancel plans last minute. If our anxiety is heightened because of being around people or because of our imagined consequences of interacting with people, we may find ourselves looking for excuses to cancel plans. We may also find ourselves declining invitations because we are not sure if our friends "really" want us there, or if we will know how to show up in a way that will ensure they enjoy spending time with us.
You doubt your friendships. This type of anxiety may lead us to second-guess the closeness and reality of our friendships constantly. We may think that our friends offer their friendship out of pity, or that they are only hanging out with us because they have nothing better to do or that they will leave once they do.
You constantly seek validation. Sometimes when we are anxious about our friendships, we need constant proof of how they feel about us or the relationship itself. We want to hear them make plans for the future, introduce us to other friends or post about spending time together.
You often replay conversations or interactions. You worry you said or did something wrong or that they didn't understand what you meant.
You are too scared to disagree or upset your friends. You feel uncomfortable, worried, or in some cases, threatened when someone disagrees with you. You may find yourself not sharing opinions or agreeing just to gain approval.
If you're struggling with friendship anxiety, here are some tips:
Identify triggers. Recognizing the specific triggers can be so helpful in managing your actions that will inevitably impact your friendships. Which words or actions or contexts make you feel anxious? Can you share them with your friends?
Challenge negative thoughts. Anxiety about friendships is often fueled by negative thoughts and beliefs about oneself and one's abilities. By questioning the validity of these thoughts and challenging them, we can gain a more accurate perspective on our situations.
Set boundaries. It's important to set boundaries when dealing with friendships. This may mean saying no to social invitations that are too overwhelming or asking for space when needed. Setting boundaries can help you feel more in control and reduce anxiety. This doesn't mean avoiding any discomfort, but avoiding discomfort that is not productive or doesn’t serve a purpose.
Celebrate your strengths. It's easy to focus on why your friends may not like you, but it's essential to recognize and celebrate one's strengths and positive qualities. Taking time to acknowledge and appreciate one's strengths can help build confidence and self-esteem, which can, in turn, reduce anxiety in friendships.
Reflect. Remember when you worried for nothing or when your fears turned out to have nothing to do with the reality of how your friends felt about you or the situation? Good. Your feelings are not always an accurate representation of facts.
Fact check. Instead of allowing your narrative to run wild and dictate your behaviors, check in with your friends and see if what you're picking up on is valid. This can be scary, but it's better to save your energy and only worry when there is something to worry about. If a friendship is unsafe enough to have this type of conversation, take a moment to evaluate the friendship.
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