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Is your teenager narcissistic? Probably, but that’s OK. Here’s why.


It's not called the "terrible teens" for nothing.

Parenting an adolescent can be notoriously difficult; even kids who displayed empathy and kindness when they were younger can demonstrate entitlement, impulsiveness, selfishness, emotional outbursts and a preoccupation with themselves upon entering their teen years.

But if your teen is exhibiting these narcissistic qualities, does that mean they're going to end up a narcissist? Not necessarily.

"I always tell parents of adolescents to put it on ice for a minute," Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author specializing in narcissism and narcissistic abuse, says of parents concerned their teen is a narcissist. "Their personality is in flux. I say, 'Call me in about 10 years, and let's see where you're at.' "

Here's what therapists want you to know about narcissistic behavior as it manifests in teenagers:

Can teenagers be narcissists?

According to Mayo Clinic, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy and the need for attention and admiration. Other narcissistic traits include grandiosity, sensitivity to criticism, a tendency to be controlling, a sense of victimhood and low-grade paranoia, Durvasula previously told Paste BN.

Some of these traits may sound textbook for teenagers, but Durvasula warns narcissism is a story best tracked backward. Though it's true narcissistic adults were likely narcissistic as teens, that doesn't mean all narcissistic teens are destined to become narcissistic adults.

"If you were to meet a 30-year-old narcissistic adult, and you looked back at them when they were 15, my guess is they were also a narcissist at 15," Durvasula says. "However, if you show me an unempathic, selfish, difficult, entitled, oppositional 15-year-old, I'm not necessarily going to bet that much that that's going to be a 30-year-old narcissist."

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Durvasula says this is because narcissism is a personality style, and personality isn't set in stone until the frontal lobe − the area of the brain responsible for personality, judgment, self-control and more − finishes forming around the age of 25. Without fully developed frontal lobes, teens behave more impulsively, speaking and acting without thinking of others, which can look like narcissism.

"To me, the real official end of adolescence is 25," Durvasula says. "Showing young people some grace around that developmental phase until then is probably warranted."

Why do teenagers act like narcissists?

During adolescence, children go through a process of individuating from their parents, which can look like narcissism, Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author specializing in narcissistic abuse, says. Though teens can be overly self-involved, Cole says that, for many of them, this is a normal step in figuring out who they are as they emerge into adulthood.

"In a way, it is developmentally appropriate that we might see more things like entitlement or a preoccupation with themselves and what's going on in their life," she says. "They are learning to, hopefully, develop into their own identity and who they are."

Durvasula adds many teens lash out at their parents in order to make separating less painful, describing this as "almost like making a mess to make it easier to say goodbye."

"A lot of that oppositionality is the teenager separating and individuating and becoming their own person, and a teenager's not going able to do that elegantly," she says. "They're not going say, 'Mom and Dad, I'm ready to evolve into being my own person.' But rather, it can come out as this really brutal rebellion."

More: How do I know if someone in my life is a narcissist? Here's what it is – and what it isn't

My teenager seems like a narcissist. Should I be worried?

Though most teens outgrow their narcissistic traits, Durvasula and Cole advise parents to watch out for the following signs that could indicate their teen's narcissism may persist into adulthood:

Does your teen have healthy friendships?: A teen is less likely to grow into a narcissist if they treat their peers with empathy, even if they lash out at their parents, Durvasula says. "What you'll often see is that an adolescent will actually have very intact empathy with their peers, check in on them, be worried about them, sit and listen to them for hours. That's a good sign," Durvasula says.

Does your teen use people?: On the flip side, lack of empathy is a hallmark of narcissism, so pay attention if your child manipulates or uses their peers to get what they want, Cole says. "What I would be looking for as a parent if you have an adolescent or a teenager, is looking to see if they're extremely emotionally immature and entitled, if they lack empathy and if they use their friends as pawns to get what they want instead of developing mutually respectful relationships," she says.

For parents concerned about their teen's narcissism, Cole recommends engaging them in volunteer work or a social cause, in order to build their empathy and get them thinking about others.

Durvasula adds that, just because a teen is individuating, doesn't mean parents should stop parenting. Setting boundaries, asking teens to do chores and addressing bad behavior are still good practices for parents of teens.

But don't take it personally if your teen gets difficult with you.

"Teens have been tough since the dawn of time, and they always will," Durvasula says. "Sometimes, what all an adolescent really wants to know is that there is a soft place to land where they will be seen and they will be heard and they will be recognized for who they are."

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