Is this the era of narcissism? Watch out for these red flags while dating.
You're on a date with someone you think is wonderful.
They're attractive. They're charming. Wait − are they a little too charming?
Narcissists are everywhere. They can be found at work, at school, around your family dinner table and, yes, across from you on a first date. Psychology experts say it's likely everyone will cross paths with a narcissist (or two, or several) at some point in their lives.
Though dates with narcissists can be exciting and romantic, relationships with them are almost always rife with gaslighting and abuse, which makes recognizing someone's a narcissist early all the more crucial.
There isn't a surefire way to know off-the-bat if someone's a narcissist, but there are warning signs to look for. Beware though: It's usually not possible to clock all these signs on the first date, but rather over the course of several weeks as you get to know someone better. Think of them not so much as one-off red flags, but behavioral patterns that become clearer over time − patterns that, in all likelihood, will never change.
"The promise a lot of people make to themselves is: This will get better down the line; this will get better once we know each other; this will get better if we move in; this will get better when we're engaged; this will get better when we get married," says Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author best known as "Doctor Ramani" online and a leading expert in narcissism. "No. It's not going to change. This is it."
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Why do people date narcissists?
Experts describe narcissism as a personality style characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy and the need for attention and admiration, among other things.
Narcissists are plagued with “deep feelings of inadequacy and feelings of insecurity,” Durvasula says. “When those feelings get activated, there's a strong sense of shame, and then coming behind that shame is a lot of rage.” Other narcissistic traits, she adds, include grandiosity, a sensitivity to criticism, a tendency to be controlling, a sense of victimhood and low-grade paranoia.
Despite their abusive tendencies, narcissists are "very attractive when it comes to dating," especially in the early stages of a relationship, Durvasula says. "They're more charming. They're more charismatic. They tend to be more successful."
Narcissism arises to the level of a diagnosable personality disorder in only about 5% of people, according to the Cleveland Clinic. Durvasula, however, says that figure may only scratches the surface. After all, narcissists often see nothing wrong with their behavior, so they rarely seek therapy or end up in a position to be diagnosed.
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Some research also suggests narcissism has become more widespread in recent decades, though the science isn't settled. One study in 2008 found narcissism increased by 30% among American college students from 1979 to 2006, but Craig Malkin − a clinical psychologist, author and Harvard Medical School lecturer − says this study relied on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which may be more reflective self-esteem rather than narcissism.
Though the exact prevalence of narcissism is uncertain, Malkin says the advent of social media has given narcissists a megaphone, making them harder to ignore.
"It's louder," he says. "Social media is this platform that makes it really easy to see and hear narcissists very clearly."
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Look out for these tell-tale signs of narcissism
You're unlikely to uncover all the traits of a narcissist on a first date; however, here are some warning signs to look out for.
1. They want to open up too much too soon
Almost every narcissistic relationship begins with love bombing, which Durvasula describes as "too much too fast." Examples of love bombing include whisking someone off on a romantic weekend getaway for an early date, or showering someone with lavish, excessive gifts.
"It feels almost like a fairy tale, but like an anxiety-inducing fairy tale," Durvasula says.
During the love bombing phase, a narcissist may also want to open up about very intense, personal topics. But don't be fooled, warns Durvasula: This type of vulnerability isn't healthy intimacy. It's manipulation.
"I can promise you that deepest, darkest fear you shared with them on your third date, it's going to come back and bite you in six months," she says. "It's really them gathering intel."
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Though these grandiose gestures may seem romantic, love bombing is almost always followed by devaluation, which is far less enjoyable.
"It's as though, as soon as the narcissist has you captured where they want you, they're no longer interested in you," Durvasula says. "It's like a kid fighting for a toy, getting a toy and then throwing it in the corner, because they just wanted to fight. They wanted the hunt."
2. They make your connection sound too good to be true
Pay attention to how your date speaks about you.
"If they start talking about your relationship in these really grandiose, magical ways, like, 'I've never felt such an intense, magical connection with anyone ever' — when you start hearing that, you need to look for the exit," Durvasula says.
Other red-flag statements include, "I can't stop thinking about you," "How come we can't spend all of our time together?" and "I have just never met anybody like you." Also, be wary of non-stop texting.
"If it feels too much, if it feels too fast, listen to yourself, and give yourself permission to step away," Durvasula says. "If they're like, 'No, you need to go at my pace,' then that's pretty much setting the tone for the rest of the relationship."
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According to Malkin, one of the reasons narcissists make such sweeping statements is to mask their insecurity.
"Somebody who's extremely narcissistic is also worried about being injured, especially emotionally," he says. "So putting somebody on a pedestal, idealizing them, seeing them as sort of above the rest of humanity protects them from the fear that they're going to end up getting hurt."
3. They bad-mouth their exes
Take note if your date disparages past partners in a vindictive way.
"The first thing you should be thinking is, 'How soon am I going to be in that gallery, that they're going to be sitting across from someone else speaking about me like that?' " Durvasula says.
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4. They're snobby about appearances
"Narcissistic people tend to be really fastidious about their appearance," Durvasula says. Of course, "not everybody who is beautifully dressed and well coiffed is narcissistic."
Durvasula says to take note of how your date speaks about others' looks, as well as how much they value appearances.
"What I would pay more attention to is how almost snobby and contemptuous they are of other people. Like, 'Did you see what that person's wearing?' Or being almost classist in a way," she says. "Snobbishness and narcissism tend to be highly correlated."
Malkin says if someone leaves you waiting while they get ready or pays more attention to their looks than to your conversation, take note.
"They're putting appearance over connection," he says. "They're so busy trying to look good, they can't even see the person in front of them."