The 'men’s first love' theory is all over social media. What is it?
Do we ever forget our first love? It's a question occupying the minds of some people on the internet. The "men's first love theory," the idea that men don't get over their first love, has left some social media users furiously nodding.
"Men's first love theory is quite real trust me," wrote one X user. "He's my first LOVE and all I can ever think about, but I know I'm not his first and I hate it so much," a TikTok commenter added.
But does it apply only to men? "I think both men and women will always remember/think about their first love," another TikTok commenter chimed in. "First love doesn’t necessarily mean true love. But those memories will still remain forever and that’s okay." Experts agree that everyone lingers on thoughts of their first love because nostalgia and the emotions associated with love are powerful forces.
"TikTok has a way about it that boils down complex topics into aphorisms and superstitions," says Kimberly Vered Shashoua, a licensed clinical social worker. "Do some people never get over their first love? Sure. Is it because they’re men? Not specifically."
We should be careful not to create harmful patterns, though, if someone's first love didn't go as planned. "Our first experience of love is formative," trauma counselor Jordan Pickell says. "It shapes what we believe is possible in relationships and what we expect from future partners. But holding every subsequent relationship to the standard of that first love can be detrimental."
'First loves often happen in simpler times'
Pickell hypothesizes we're stuck on first loves right now because of modern dating. "People are feeling burnt out and disconnected in the current dating landscape," she says. "First loves often happen in simpler times like school, early career or other circumstances when relationships could unfold organically."
Plus, love unleashes chemical connections in the brain like dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin, "all of which come together to make you feel all sorts of amazing feelings as you fall in love and build connection with one another," says Shanna Kattari, associate professor at the School of Social Work and in the Women’s and Gender Studies Department at the University of Michigan. "It’s not shocking that those feelings make us feel favorably about someone, even long after that initial spark is gone, whether or not we are still in that relationship."
'First love could carry a significant emotional weight' for men
Why the focus on men's first loves and not women's? There no scientific basis for the theory specific to men, says Amy Morin, psychotherapist, author of "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do" and the host of a podcast. The idea might have to do with societal pressure, according to some experts.
"They’re often not socialized to process or express emotions in the same way women are, so a first love could carry a significant emotional weight that was never fully addressed," Pickell says. Laura Petiford, a licensed marriage and family therapist, agrees: "Women may encounter the same intensity of feeling with first love, but because they've likely had more experience in the emotional realm, they may be able to move on with less difficulty."
'Forgetting your first love might make you less of who you are today'
Is it true, then? Do people actually never "get over" their first love? A lot of it depends on context.
"The feelings involved with early love are associated with significant hormonal shifts that the body experiences as stress," Petiford says. "It takes time for a more sustainable love to be established, one that is actually a buffer to stress." A first "love," for example, may not be love at all, just a first strong emotional experience.
It may be worth unpacking the past with a professional. "In therapy, I see people rewrite the narrative of past relationships all the time, especially when they’re dissatisfied in their current circumstances," Pickell says. "The first love becomes a stand-in for what’s missing now, maybe more than a reflection of what actually happened then."
And even if something difficult happened, that doesn't mean it's worth trying to push it down and pretend it never happened. "Who we are as individuals and in relationships is built on a lifetime of experiences and lessons learned," Kattari says. "Forgetting your first love might make you less of who you are today, and you wouldn’t be the person your new partner is falling in love with."
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