Too aggressive? Too passive? Find out if you come from an 'ask' or a 'guess' family.
Did you grow up in an "ask" family or a "guess" family?
An Australian podcast called Mamamia Out Loud recently posed the question on TikTok. In a guess family, that means "you don't really directly ask for anything ever," Jessie Stephens, host of the podcast, says in the video, like help with moving. You'd instead ask whether someone is busy over the weekend and sneak in a mention of what you need. In "ask families," you say what you need and it's on the other person involved to give a yes or no answer. No emotions involved. "The only time I would ever ask something of someone is if I was absolutely certain the answer was going to be yes," she adds.
The video has nearly 350,000 views, and hundreds of commenters weighed in on the issue from multiple sides. "Guessing is just passive aggressive manipulation," one person wrote. Another added: "Am I the only the one who thinks the 'ask' method is way more pressure?? The person is put on the spot and has to respond directly? Instead of coming to it themselves if they want to."
Like most communication concerns, no one is exactly right or wrong. Mental health experts say it's best for people to approach conversations with as much empathy as possible for another person, however they express themselves.
"The best way to communicate is to first acknowledge that having different communication styles is perfectly normal and not a deal breaker," says Chase Cassine, licensed clinical social worker.
What to know if you're from a 'guess' family
Our families affect us in ways we can't always see. Someone who asks for something directly versus someone who opts for a more sheepish approach marks a good example of the outcomes of one's upbringing.
While not "formal psychological terms," "ask" and "guess families" are well-known in communication and pop psychology circles, says Luis Cornejo, licensed marriage and family therapist.
"Guess" is often code for "people pleaser."
"When you're using passive communication you tend to put your needs last, and the other person's first, even if it hurts you," says Regine Galanti, a clinical psychologist. "At an extreme, you can become a doormat in this mode."
Expecting a direct answer when you don't directly ask for one will cause only more confusion. "Others might not perceive the request at all and instead of viewing the listener as uncaring, explains Maryanne Fisher, a psychology professor at St. Mary's University in Canada, "they might need to a be a bit more direct in their requests. Rejection of a request is not the same as personal rejection, a lesson that is hard to learn."
Still, asking a direct question might feel a tad too blunt for someone used to beating around the proverbial bush. Try for a gray area. Instead of "Can you help me move," maybe try "Would you be open to helping me move?" "The key is self-awareness and small shifts," Cornejo says.
What to know if you're from an 'ask' family
Those from "ask" families need to pay attention to how they're delivering said ask. Are you being aggressive or assertive?
"While with aggressive communication, you prioritize your needs above all others, even if it means hurting or offending others, when you're being assertive, you're you balancing asking for what you need with the needs other people around you," Galanti says. "This style takes into account what other people might want or need while setting boundaries."
Try giving someone an "out" when you ask them for something.
"For example, 'I could really use help with planning this event for the committee we are both a part of, but I know you've just returned from a work trip and likely have a lot on your plate. If you have free time, can you help me out, even for just a few minutes?' This sort of reply also helps the listener provide assistance that is short in duration, rather than something that could take much longer and to which they'd want to decline," Fisher says.
Overall, though, try and meet each other where you're at when you have different communication styles.
"Embrace the differences and foster a safe space between partners where they can both actively listen to each other from a place of trust, empathy and vulnerability to build a solid foundation," Cassine says, "so that connection and communication with each other is resolved effectively when conflicts do arise.