Gwyneth Paltrow, 'apartners' and why some people live separately from their spouses
It might be unconventional, but there's plenty of couples out there − even married ones − who opt to live in different places.
Some TikTokers are even referring to these couples by a trendy name: "apartners." (Get it? Like, "partners," but "a part"?) People who do this also refer to themselves as "LAT" − or, "living apart, together." Though "apartners" are getting buzz on TikTok, the concept is nothing new, getting spotlighted by Sharon Hyman, a longtime apartner herself, in her film "Apartners: Living Happily Ever Apart."
Though it may seem strange to some, relationship and mental health experts say it's an arrangement that can work well for some couples, who get along with each other better while living in separate places.
Not to mention, it's become more mainstream too. Celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Paulson have talked about their living arrangements with their significant others, revealing in recent years they live separately from their partners, sometimes in entirely different parts of the country.
Who are the 'apart-ners'?
Paltrow has shared she and her husband Brad Falchuk live in different houses, and "Abbott Elementary" star Sheryl Lee Ralph has said she and her husband Vincent Hughes live in different states. (She's in Los Angeles, while he's in Philadelphia.) Paulson said she and her longtime girlfriend Holland Taylor also live in separate houses.
“We’ve been together for a long time now, and I think part of it has to do with (that) we’re together when we want to be, and we’re not when we don’t," Paulson said on the “SmartLess” podcast last year.
In some ways, living apart together can be thought of as a more extreme "sleep divorce" − something that's also quite common. In February, influencer Matt Howard revealed he's been sleeping on a mattress in a walk-closet, separate from his wife Abby, something that prompted strong reactions on social media.
"This decision that I made was something I had to do just to prioritize my mental health, because I was not OK," Matt said in a video. "I was really struggling. I was feeling awful, and that's why I'm here." A representative for Matt told Paste BN at the time that he and Abby sleep separately due to his ADHD and anxiety.
On TikTok, users have shared their own experiences living apart from their partners. It's not for everyone, but some TikTokers say it works for them and their relationships.
"I wish this was like a setup that people told me when I was 20," TikToker @joanna.dahlseid says in one video. "Living apart together has drastically changed my life."
TikTok user @colormeelise shared she and her husband are spending a year living apart. "It isn't about any problems or growing apart," she says in a video. "It's about growth, period."
The truth about living and sleeping separately
Sleeping and living separately might sound like a relationship red flag. After all, the marital bed is more than just a place where couples sleep and have sex; it's also a time-honored symbol of their very union.
Experts, however, previously told Paste BN there could be practical reasons for it, especially when it comes to sleep health. Many of the "apartners" on TikTok say they still spend most of their time with each other, they just sleep in separate places.
Some common reasons for a "sleep divorce" include snoring, restlessness, parasomnia, frequent trips to the bathroom or incompatible sleep schedules.
It's also a practice that's common: A 2012 survey by the Better Sleep Council and a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation both showed 1 in 4 couples sleep in separate beds. But "there's still shame attached to it for some people because of how taboo the topic is," Dr. Meir Kryger, professor emeritus of medicine at Yale's School of Medicine and author of "The Principles and Practice of Sleep Medicine," previously told Paste BN.
Kryger added no couple should feel embarrassed about the practice: "For a lot of couples, sleeping apart can be the best thing for their relationship."
Of course, sometimes sleeping separately does spell problems for a relationship.
"There are some couples for whom the decision to sleep apart is a sign of something awry in the relationship," Wendy Troxel, a senior behavioral scientist at the RAND Corp. and author of "Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep," previously told Paste BN.
But Kryger noted, "there's no research that suggests that couples who sleep apart for the purpose of better sleep have any less of a romantic connection than couples who share a bed."
This story has been updated with new information.
Contributing: Daryl Austin and Edward Segarra