How to handle the endless ask: can you support my kid's fundraiser?
Many of us have been there – either as the parent doing the asking, or the neighbor, relative, or friend who's getting the sales pitch.
My child's (insert a team, club, activity here) is selling (candy, cookie dough, wrapping paper, bed mattresses) to help pay (for a trip, new equipment, etc).
Can you help by spending way more than this item is worth so a small portion can go to our team and my child can win a prize that they so desperately want, but will toss aside probably in a few weeks?
Welcome back to Uncomfortable Conversations About Money, a recurring series where we will tackle challenging topics or situations around money that make you uneasy. We'll outline the problem and try to get you some usable solutions.
Would you like to buy something?
The dilemma: Yes, I was a bit tongue-in-cheek there, but so many of us know this endless plea. As parents, we feel guilty bringing in the order form to the office or posting about it on social media. Or we encourage the kids to go door-to-door, or to take the order form to an event with friends and family, to politely do the awkward ask.
Don't get me wrong. Often, these fund-raisers help organizations with great projects. When I was discussing this topic with a few colleagues, one said she didn't want to discount the good and need for some of these efforts. One she was familiar with helped fund a group that preserved Native Hawaiian culture, a cause that badly needed more financial support, she said.
But there's still the bottom line reality that those fundraisers can add up, and strain your budget.
So how can parents handle years of these fund-raisers for their kids, especially when they have multiple kids and multiple activities and limited friends and family willing to help?
And what about the friends and family who are on the receiving end? Is there a polite way to say no or limit what you agree to buy without seeming like a cheapskate?
Prioritize the ask
The advice: My expert for this month is Julie Williams, a certified financial planner with WealthSpire Advisors in Delafield, Wisconsin. Williams is also the mother of an adult son who had many fundraising asks, and the wife of a high school teacher who gets lots of requests from various fundraisers.
Williams said she and her husband asked their son to choose the one or two teams or organizations that were the most important to him when he was asking people for contributions, and those would be the ones he would participate in.
"That way we weren't asking everybody for everything,'' Williams said. "It was a good way for us to stay focused. Also, if he didn't care, then why should I? They sent home all the information to the parents, but if he wasn't interested in fundraising, then I shouldn't be interested in fundraising for him."
Williams also made her son do the asking. If he wanted to go to her office, Williams would take him in.
"We kind of made him have a little script in terms of what is he asking, why is he asking, what does the money do," she said.
Williams feels like having her son gain the skills to talk to adults – and face rejection – were good lessons.
"So now as an adult, as a 24-year-old, he can walk up to somebody, knows to look him in the eye, knows to have a reason for asking for something. And even when somebody says no, he knows how to graciously say, thank you for listening to me. Thank you for considering what we're doing, and walk away," she said.
You can't say yes to everyone
When it comes to the endless requests that Williams said she and her husband get from friends, family and students, they have a first-come, first-served-type approach.
"My husband's an educator, and so being asked that question is pretty common. Every student is involved in every team and they all ask their teachers," she said. "So in our house, it's the first person who asks (who) gets the order and that way, we're not feeling bad about not saying yes to everybody or having to choose who we say yes to."
There may be an occasional second box of cookies purchased if the request comes after the first box ordered was eaten, Williams said. But otherwise, they stick to their rules.
"As much as we all want to, we really can't afford to say yes to everything and also achieve our goals and dreams that we have for ourselves," she said.
Williams advises putting a limit on the money used to support fundraising events for kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews and neighbors.
People can also choose one activity per child they want to support, which also helps the child decide what is most important, she said.
What's a gracious way to say no?
There are always ways to turn down the request. A few nice ways to say no, Williams said, are: "Thank you. I really like that you're doing this. I just don't have the money to support that right now. Or I've chosen to support another organization and I was already asked."
Hearing no can also be a learning opportunity for the student, Williams said.
"No is an answer and they have to learn how to hear no as well as how to say no," she said. "If they hear it beautifully from an adult that they've asked the question, that teaches them how to say no when they're asked."
A note for parents
Finally, Williams said it's important for parents not to let themselves feel bullied into fundraising on behalf of their kids.
"We have to choose our battles,'' she said. "We have to choose our direction where we want to throw our support."
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Betty Lin-Fisher is a consumer reporter for Paste BN. Reach her at blinfisher@USATODAY.com or follow her on X, Facebook or Instagram @blinfisher. Sign up for our free The Daily Money newsletter, which will include consumer news on Fridays, here.