How to protect children from sexual abuse: The predator is usually someone you know

Last month, authorities reported that a 10-year-old girl had traveled to Indianapolis for an abortion after the majority of such procedures became illegal in her home state of Ohio. Dr. Caitlin Bernard, an Indianapolis physician who offers abortion services, provided the account.

The report garnered global attention and was initially doubted by some Republican politicians, news outlets and abortion opponents. Dan Meyer, assistant prosecutor for Ohio’s Franklin County, said the girl had likely been impregnated when she was 9 years old since she had recently turned 10.

For parents, the girl’s age raised questions about how to help children set boundaries, feel safe in sharing uncomfortable behavior and identify and deter potential perpetrators.

What should I know about child predators?

About 93% of perpetrators are known to the victim rather than a random person, also known as “Stranger Danger," according to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, known as RAINN.

“Child sexual abuse is perpetrated by those close to the child, those who have access,” said Erinn Robinson, RAINN’s media relations director. “The ‘Stranger Danger’ just doesn’t hold up to what we know about sexual violence. For parents, it’s being aware of teachers, coaches, even trusted family members who have access to their children.”

Jim Willshier, spokesman for the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape, agreed.

“It’s not just ‘Stay away from that weird van’ or whatever,” Willshier said. “When it comes to a lot of these cases, it’s someone using their position of power or trust."

In other words, the perpetrator could be everyone’s favorite uncle, a celebrity, a clergy member or a neighbor. Parents need to be constantly mindful of their children's behavior.

"You might have that sixth sense that something feels off," he said. "So when you ask your child ‘What did you and your coach do today?’ be mindful of how they respond to that.”

What happens when a child is 'groomed'?

Robinson said an obvious sign of a potential abuser is someone looking to spend an unusual amount of one-on-one time with a child – and the important thing for parents to realize is it’s a gradual process. In other words, it doesn’t start with overt sexual misconduct but more as an innocuous touching of the child’s shoulders, or discussion of sexual topics – behaviors meant to desensitize parents and their children and eventually pave the way toward more sexual behavior.

“A lot of grooming is prefaced on making the child and their family feel that that child is special,” she said. “They’ll say, ‘That’s why I want to be their coach; that’s why I want them to travel with me to this science fair.’ It’s, ‘You can trust me, I’m a star pitching coach and I can help your child get into the school they want to get into.’ Those kinds of things can open the door.”

Willshier said people giving an inordinate amount of attention or gifts that seem out of the ordinary to children can be red flags – and not just for parents.

“It really takes a community mindset,” he said. “It could be up to another parent on that child’s baseball or soccer team to reach out and say something.”

How do you talk to kids about bad touching?

Experts say it’s important to approach the subject in an age-appropriate manner. For parents of younger children, it can be as simple as modeling good behavior, Willshier said.

For instance, he said, say a child has put her sweater on backward before heading outside. Rather than ordering the child to come over so the adult can adjust the sweater, a parent can say, “Hey, do you know your sweater is on backward?” and then give the child the opportunity to fix it themselves – or ask the child if they would like the parent to help them with the task.

“You give them options,” he said. “And you make it an ongoing thing. You make those building blocks so they can be more confident in setting those boundaries. You’re modeling behavior that says, 'It’s OK to say no,' that ‘I don’t feel comfortable with this.’”

Robinson said parents can also teach their children the difference between “good” secrets and “bad” ones, the latter being those that an adult has told them not to discuss.

Additionally, she said, experts recommend teaching children to use anatomically correct terms for their body parts, equipping them to be able to say that they’ve been touched on their penis or their vagina.

“A child may be disclosing things to you but in a way that they understand, so if they’re able to use those terms with trusted adults it’s easier for adults to understand the nature of what’s happening,” she said.

Sometimes when children try to share information about abuse, it can be overlooked by adults who attribute it to imagination. Robinson said parents should be mindful when a child expresses a visceral reaction to, for example, visiting a certain relative.

“That may tell you something,” she said. “It should open the door to asking ‘Why? Why do you feel that way? What makes you say that?’ And then listening. If a child is describing something like that, give it the credence it deserves. The most important thing parents can do is establish themselves as a safe and trusted place for that child to talk about these things.”

Robinson said parents should be mindful of changes in their children’s behavior – for instance, an extroverted child who suddenly shuts down, or a naturally introverted child who begins to act out. Excessive talk, anxiety, changes in eating habits or knowledge of sexual topics can be signs of distress.

Why do many sex abuse victims not report the crime?

Willshier said perpetrators may prey on children with autism or who have a nonverbal condition, which can make it difficult for a child to express themselves or to be believed when they do. And for parents, the stigma of abuse may come into play as they fear disruption to their family dynamic or the consequences to a perpetrator who is a beloved family member.

Robinson said some parents may fear besmirching the name of a coach, teacher or clergy member at a prominent institution and the backlash that may come with it.

“We have a long way to go in these conversations to create environments that make survivors feel safe in coming forward and disclosing their trauma.”