'Everything went wrong': Firefighters haunted by LA fires stoke concern for mental health
LOS ANGELES — What haunts firefighter Brett Klemme is not the flames.
It’s the photographs.
On Jan. 7, the day the wildfires of Los Angeles ignited and forced mass evacuations, Klemme recalled, he entered a burning house in Pacific Palisades and saw photos of two young children that reminded him of his own.
Klemme, 39, said he felt deep gratification when he and other firefighters extinguished the flames inside that house. Later, they circled back and found the house had burned down.
“It was such a gut punch," Klemme told Paste BN during a recent interview. “I wanted to tell them (the homeowners), we did everything we could to save your home.’’
The wildfires have killed at least 28 people, destroyed more than 15,000 structures and impacted an untold number of firefighters like Klemme. "We just have this guilt about what we could have done better," he said.
The emotional toll suffered by firefighters may be easier to assess once the wildfires die down, suggested Hugo Catalan Jr., director of behavioral health services for the United Firefighters of Los Angeles City.
“Once (firefighters) go back to normal station life, that's when we'll start to see members trickling in and probably in a high number,’’ said Catalan, one of four mental health therapists on the staff.
Though Catalan said he’s optimistic because firefighters are “one of the most resilient group of individuals,’’ he also acknowledged concerns about self-harm.
The suicide rate for firefighters is 18 per 100,000 compared to 13 per 100,000 for the general public, according to research cited by the U.S. Fire Administration.
'Everything went wrong for us'
Jeff Dill, who leads national workshops on suicide prevention for firefighters, said he’s worried about the situation in Los Angeles.
“Emotions start playing into our lives of, 'hey, I'm feeling helpless, I'm feeling guilty, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing,'" said Dill, a retired fire captain who founded the Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance in North Las Vegas, Nevada.
Emotional problems among firefighters are exacerbated by betrayal, according to Dill.
“Betrayal by management in regard to better equipment, better pay, more people, less overtime so that we're not exhausted and drained,’’ he said.
Klemme, the firefighter who talked about seeing photos of young children in the burning house in the Pacific Palisades, did not blame anyone for struggles he and other firefighters faced trying to better contain the damage. But he did point out they ran out of water and had no radios while battling hurricane-force winds within the first 24 hours.
“Everything went wrong for us,’’ Klemme said.
Monitoring the situation from his office in North Las Vegas, Dill said, “When we see what's going on in L.A., I begin to start having some fear...I got 34-plus years in the fire service, and now I see my brothers and sisters who are responding with no water. Or they don't have enough rigs when people are calling and saying, I need help, I'm trapped, and they can't get to them.
“This is a big issue within our fire culture. And yet knowing this, we're still culturally brainwashed that when we put this uniform on, we are supposed to respond, act strong, brave, courageous, give help, don't ask for help.”
Gallows humor in the firehouse kitchen
The door closest to the back entrance at Fire Station No. 69 in the Pacific Palisades opens into a room with a large picnic-style table.
The kitchen table, they call it.
“Probably the most therapeutic room in the world," said Mike Romero, 50, a firefighter who serves as an apparatus operator. “A lot of problems solved here. At least we think.’’
On a recent afternoon, firefighters filtered into the room where up to 20 of them squeeze around the kitchen table before the shift change each morning.
“Do you know why the chiefs’ badges are gold?’’ one firefighter asked a visitor. “It’s from all the melted down wedding bands."
Gallows humor was welcome as the table buzzed with chatter. About houses that “exploded" in the fires. About the need to celebrate “little victories," like partially saved structures. And about the value of gathering at the kitchen table.
“We’re good at knowing when someone’s off and needs an arm around them," said Brian Sacramone, 58, a firefighter and paramedic. “But we could be better."
A small memorial outside of the fire station serves as a sobering reminder. An inscription on a painted rock: “RIP Our Brother Dan ‘The Ram’ Ramirez."
Daniel Ramirez, a 23-year veteran firefighter and paramedic, husband and father of three grown sons died by suicide Aug. 1, 2023.
He was 56.
Ramirez had been on leave because of physical injuries, according Captain Eric Nakamaru of Fire Station No. 69.
Sacramone recalled how he and other firefighters visited Ramirez in 2023 and the time together was marked by rollicking laughter.
Friction between generations
The spirit of the kitchen table permeates a peer-support program in which firefighters are trained to support others who might be reluctant to talk to a licensed therapist.
Catalan, director of the union’s behavioral health program, said he thinks firefighters, especially younger ones, are experiencing less stigma around mental health.
“There's always a friction between the older generation, the new generation, and they're, like, ‘Oh, they're too soft. They don't put the job before their life,'" Catalan said. “And I tell some of these younger firefighters, it's kind of healthy that you say, ‘No, I want to go home. I want to be with my family.' Because we've also seen a lot of people that are older and then they're retiring and they don't have anything else. …
“Most of the guys that are union board members, and even the president, will tell you they're from a generation that was sucking up and they're not as in tune with mental health. A lot of it is new for them."
Sacramone, the firefighter paramedic in Pacific Palisades, said asking for help no longer is viewed as weakness – a sign of changing culture in a dangerous, high-stress profession.
An annual “We Remember’’ night, started by Firefighter Behavioral Health Alliance in Nevada a decade ago, will be held May 16.
Firefighter rigs will light up and candles will be lit to remember firefighters and those in emergency medical services and dispatches services who took their own lives – and for the families who suffered the tragic loss.