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For the Record: GOP in Cruz control, Dems in neutral

Brett McGinness ,  Jessica Estepa ,  Joanna Allhands   | Paste BN
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We tried to save all 14 candidates — really, we did. But we only had room for 12 in the lifeboats when the Cruz started Berning, and we may lose more today. For now, let's honor the 2016 campaigns of O'Malley and Huckabee, which will remain frozen forever in Iowa; we'll remember them every time we eat corn dogs.

We wanted 3 answers from Iowa, we got 2 1/2

Iowa, you had one job. Well, three:

  • Tell us if Donald Trump or Ted Cruz is the king of the outsiders
  • Tell us which establishment Republican is going to be the new party favorite
  • Tell us if Bernie Sanders can take down the Clinton Machine

We got Cruz with a solid 3.5% win over Trump, despite pre-caucus poll numbers that showed Trump with a 4.5% lead. We got Marco Rubio taking a surprisingly close third place at the expense of Jeb Bush, Chris Christie and John Kasich. And we got a virtual tie between Sanders and Hillary Clinton: 49.89% for Hillary, 49.54% for Sanders. Both Democrats (Thursday night, MSNBC) and Republicans (Saturday night, ABC) have debates coming before the New Hampshire primaries, where we can expect to see what a non-leading Trump looks like, and Bernie asking what's going on with the damn emails.

Headline from the future: MSNBC, Fox News introduce new analysts

"The Political Adventures of Scrappy-Doo" was canceled last night after one poorly-rated episode. Martin O'Malley pulled in 0.57% of the Iowa Democratic vote — under a system that discourages votes for lower-tier candidates, in case you were wondering what happened to his 4.3% support — and chose to suspend his campaign. Meanwhile, the nationwide theatrical release of "I Heart Huckabee" was scrapped after poor reviews in Iowa. Mike Huckabee pulled in 1.79% of the Iowa vote last night, eight years after dominating the field with 34.4%. He suspended his campaign as well, just a short time after O'Malley. So what's left? Endorsements, possibly — although neither candidate has thrown their support to a former rival just yet.

On to New Hampshire, the "Let's Vote Normal" State

On Feb. 9, one week from today, we get to do this all over again — except this time 1) it's in New Hampshire; 2) the voters will be more libertarian and less populist; 3) voters are going to use secret ballots like modern democracies, instead of wandering around a stranger's living room like lost cats. (And seriously, did you catch the part where Sanders lost five delegates on coin tosses?)

What should we expect in New Hampshire? A big Sanders victory near his home turf — he's up by 18%, New England could use a hometown victory right about now, and several Bernie fans already have tattoos that say "Bernie Sanders 2016 New Hampshire Primary Champion." And get ready for TrumpMentum to begin anew, TrumpHaters ... Donald nearly has a 3-to-1 lead over his closest rivals in the state, and everyone knows that a Game 2 win is a great way to regain your mojo.

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Sticker Kid is the new Deez Nuts

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