Keeping it Together: Never say this to a narcissist

You've cracked the code.

You've studied the personality style. You've spotted the red flags. You see the behavior patterns clear as day. And now you're sure you're dealing with a narcissist.

That only leaves one thing left to do: Tell this person they're a narcissist. Right?

Wrong.

Hi! I'm Charlie, and I'm a wellness reporter here at Paste BN. This week, I wrote about the temptation to call out narcissists for what they are − and why that's pretty much always a bad idea, even if you are correct.

That's because, experts say, doing so almost always causes more harm than good.

"By definition, narcissistic personality styles are about lack of self-awareness, lack of self-reflective capacity," says Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and author of "Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist." "If you think you're going to say something like this to someone, and it's going to result in a productive conversation, it absolutely will not."

Narcissists can't handle even the slightest criticism or feedback, because it wounds their grandiose sense of self. As a result, no matter how kindly or gently you word it, they will lash out severely if you tell them they are a narcissist.

"You'll get yelled at, guilt-tripped, told that you are judgmental or mean, and probably be given a list of reasons that they think you are a narcissist," says Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author of "If Only I'd Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth."

Plus, narcissism is a personality style that's extremely resistant to change, so calling them out likely won't do anything to improve their behavior.

Stephanie Sarkis, a psychotherapist and author of "Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse," says a narcissist's actions after getting called out follow this pattern: They will deny, accuse and then reverse the victim and the offender in the situation.

Still, some may know how a narcissist will react to criticism but still want to call them out anyway, especially if they already plan on ending the relationship.

Cole says that, if you must call out a narcissist, do so knowing what will follow. You should also only do it for your own healing and not with any expectation of inspiring the narcissist to change.

"You need to do so with eyes wide open, knowing you're going into the lion's den, that you're likely going to get berated and criticized and probably told why you're a narcissist," she says. "But only do that if it's necessary for your healing."

Read more from that story here, and find other great reads from our team below.