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Staying Apart, Together: The Hanukkah lights shine bright, even from afar

Kelly Lawler   | Paste BN

For many families across the world, tonight is the third night of Hanukkah, yet another holiday spent in quarantine. 

To talk about how his family is celebrating from afar this year, I turned to my wonderful colleague David Oliver, an entertainment reporter covering diversity and equality, who wrote about his experience with a virtual Passover celebration last spring. He lit a candle Thursday night from his apartment in Washington, D.C., while his extended family joined in on video chat. 

My mom and I organized a Zoom extended family Hanukkah – a bunch of families across about a dozen screens. We laughed and talked just like we would at any regular family gathering, plus we all lit candles and said prayers at the same time.

Yes, everyone kept speaking over each other, and yes, some relatives should better learn how to use the mute button. But when my uncle thanked the healthcare workers in our family – including one of my uncles who literally called in from his shift as an ER doctor, mask on – I couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful my family is and how lucky I feel that they've all been safe during the pandemic.

No, Hanukkah isn't the most important Jewish holiday. But this year, it holds extra weight for me. It reminded me to hold onto love when the world seems hopeless.

I wish everyone celebrating a very Happy Hanukkah for the next six nights. I hope you are able to find some way to make it special, to virtually see your loved ones and exchange gifts. 

Today's holiday mental health tips

Let's face it, the holidays can be tough on our mental health, even in a year without a pandemic. 

This year, everything is harder. With Hanukkah and other celebrations to come, I spoke with Melissa Dowd, a psychotherapist with virtual health platform PlushCare, for tips on taking care of our mental health during the pandemic holidays. 

Why do people normally have mental health struggles during the holiday season?

Dowd: The holiday season is centered (on) spending time and celebrating with those we love. We are bombarded with commercials, ads, images and messages about the joy of being with family and friends and the magic of gift giving. For some, this may be a true representation of their holiday experience, but for others, the season is a very emotionally challenging time. Feelings of grief and loss are often present during this time of year as we remember those who are no longer with us. ... Our financial situation may be weighing us down due to a job loss or the expenses of the holidays.

How do we cope during an exceptionally challenging year?

Dowd: It is easy to feel like we have little control over our external world right now. But it is important to remember that we do still have control over our internal world. One of the best things we can do is show compassion and kindness to ourselves and others. This year is especially difficult, and it is completely normal and valid to have fluctuating feelings and emotions. Allowing ourselves to make room for our feelings will be vital for our emotional health. When we acknowledge what we are feeling, and why, we have a greater understanding of how to care for and honor our needs. When we do this, we not only nurture our emotional health, but we in turn have a greater capacity to show empathy to those around us.

Showing compassion and kindness to ourselves also means we are more likely to choose healthy coping skills over ones that may not serve us well. Creating time for self-care activities, caring for our physical health, adopting a gratitude practice, staying connected with our tribe, even if just virtually, and asking for help when we need it from a mental health professional or loved one are wonderful ways to care for ourselves and maintain a level of control in a time when it may feel like we have none.

What general advice do you have about the holidays this year?

Dowd: Go easy on yourself. This is often a challenging time of year anyway, and with the added difficulties of the pandemic, we need to be extra kind to ourselves. Make room for your feelings and emotions, ask for help when you need it, reach out to your tribe for support, and focus on the things you do have control over. This year’s holidays may require a little more creativity, but invite in as much joy and playfulness as you can. Focus on the things you are grateful for and absorb the spirit of the holiday season, which is all about spreading kindness and compassion all around.

Thank you, Melissa, for this advice. I know I could use it and I hope everyone reading can, too. 

This year's best books

As a member of Paste BN's entertainment staff, I've been around for the past six years worth of year in review roundups. It's always fun to look back at the movies, TV shows, albums and books that we loved in a year. But in 2020, there's a unique joy to finding the art that brought us happiness in a year so full of tragedy. 

First out from our staff is the 13 best books of the year, all of those that received perfect ★★★★ (out of four) reviews from our critics. Here are a few that might be worth adding to your reading list or giving to a loved one for the holidays. 

  • “Leave the World Behind” by Rumaan Alam. Unexpected visitors interrupt a family’s vacation in a remote house over a long weekend gone wrong in a suspenseful tale that examines the complexities of race and class. Our critic called it a "perfectly-engineered thrill ride that is also a novel of ideas," and said it "combines deft prose, a pitiless view of consumer culture and a few truly shocking moments."
  • “Florence Adler Swims Forever” by Rachel Beanland. Our critic called Beanland's debut novel a perfect summer read, writing that it "weaves together a family's traumas, romances, victories and histories through three generations starting in 1934 New Jersey's summer oasis, Atlantic City, starting with the piercing loss of Florence, the Adlers' younger daughter."
  • “Transcendent Kingdom” by Yaa Gyasi. Gyasi followed her 2016 best-seller “Homegoing” with an intimate story of a Ghanaian family in Alabama and its struggles with opioid addiction, depression and grief. It's a "stealthily devastating novel of family, faith and identity that’s as philosophical as it is personal."

See the full list here. And get reading. 

Today's reads

Today's pet

Meet Dave, who looks at the window with the same longing I have. 

"Dave showed up last year, an emaciated stray," says Pat Jackson of Carthage, North Carolina. "My family fed him, loved him, and he’s become the ultimate house cat. (He) loves watching our pandemic world go by from inside!"

You do you, Dave. 

That's it for this weekend. Stay safe, stay well. I'm thinking of all of you. If you have pet pictures you want me to feature, are looking for a new TV show to watch or have coping tips you want to share with our community, email stayingaparttogether@usatoday.com. 

All my very best,

Kelly Lawle

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