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Staying Apart, Together: How to quiet the dark 'Chatter' in your head

Kelly Lawler   | Paste BN

Hello friends, happy Saturday. 

I'm writing this to you on Wednesday, Jan. 27, because I'll be off on Thursday and Friday to get my wisdom teeth removed. So rather than trying to write something after I emerge from anesthesia (although that would probably be amusing for all involved, except for my editor), I'm coming to you from the past. 

But no matter when I'm writing, I know that this weekend I'll be looking inward. In therapy of late I have been working on differentiating between helpful and unhelpful thoughts and pushing back against my inner critic. That is in part why I wanted to highlight a particularly relevant book my colleague wrote about this week. 

The book is all about taming our inner voice that can be "off the rails" and destructive. I know the world and the news is full of tragedy, and it may seem impossible to banish scary thoughts (like the fear that you or your loved ones might contract COVID-19), but spending time sitting with my thoughts, following my fears to their logical ends, journaling and going to therapy has helped. And I may just pick up this book, too. 

Here's to good thoughts and reflections this weekend. And soft foods. 

Today's book recommendation

We all have an inner voice. It is one of the things that makes us human. Through good and bad, our inner voice has allowed us to not just survive as a species but thrive. The fact that we have an inner voice is not the problem; it’s the seemingly uncontrollable negative chatter our inner voice can produce.

My colleague Mary Cadden reviewed a new book, "Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It" by experimental psychologist and neuroscientist Ethan Kross, and she loved it. 

Mary writes:

If you have been conscious for the last year, chances are you are experiencing more negative chatter in your head than ever. And if you are like most Americans, that negative chatter often spins out of control. 

What exactly is chatter? According to Kross, “chatter” is the constant verbal stream of negative thoughts and emotions we direct toward ourselves, conversations we have with ourselves that we dwell on and ruminate over.

Our inner voice may be a biological need, but the excessive negative chatter it often produces can be harmful to our mental, emotional and physical health. And it is not just us it impacts negatively: More often than not, we sabotage others, including friends, and family, by reinforcing their own chatter.

There is no one cure-all solution, but Kross provides tools we can employ to manage our own chatter and help us redirect our inner voices, including self-distancing, shifting one’s perspectives and giving in to the awe we find in nature and art. Not all people are the same; why would their treatment for chatter be?

Kross, who studies the science of introspection at the Emotion and Self Control Laboratory, a lab he founded and directs at the University of Michigan, began work on "Chatter" several years ago, but its publication could not have come at a better time.

I'd have to agree on the timing, Mary. 

You can read Mary's full review of "Chatter" here. 

Today's reads

Today's pets

Why have just one pet when you can have three? 

Meet "Toby, 12-year-old yellow lab, Tigger, 23-pound tabby cat and Putter, the black beauty cat! Cats are 9 years old," says human Shelley Lehrkind. 

If only all siblings (animal or human) got along as wonderfully as these three. 

That's all for this Saturday, the newsletter will be back in your inboxes on Tuesday. Remember you can email stayingaparttogether@usatoday.com with your personal coping tips, pet pictures, TV recommendation requests and more.

All my very best,

Kelly Lawler

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